Did I Mention the Coke Machine Steals Money, Too?

Close to a year ago, I wrote a blog with a couple random stories and anecdotes from working in the greenhouse at Records ACE Hardware in Raton, New Mexico:

http://jesusbeanlaiho.blogspot.com/2013/05/greenhouse-happenings.html

Well, it's probably time to do one about working inside the store!

• Being located where the ACE store is, we deal with a lot of animal life, both outside...

and in!

and of course, the animal in charge of it all...

• Like all places of business, our customers sometimes accidentally leave things behind: debit cards and reading glasses on the checkout counter, car keys on the shelves, coats in the restroom etc., etc. However, one day a rather unusual item was found left in the shovel/rake aisle: a large pair of women's pants! I wish I could explain, but we're still not quite sure what happened...
  
• It's not uncommon for customers to ask lots of questions about rental equipment or occasionally bicker over pricing, but several weeks ago I had a customer come in who tried to argue with me over what equipment we actually rent!
  An older lady came in and asked to rent a chainsaw. I think many years ago we used to rent them, but we don't anymore so I told her, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't rent chainsaws."
  She looked at me critically and said, "What do you mean, you don't rent chainsaws?"
  Unsure of how exactly to answer that any more clearly, I reached over the counter and picked one of our rental brochures from the pile and handed it to her. "I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't rent chainsaws any more, but here's a list of all the equipment we do rent, with their prices."
  With an annoyed sigh, she opened the brochure, then flipped it over. She then looked at me and gave me an odd smile. She slowly and clearly said, "All of this rental equipment and you don't rent chainsaws...?"
  "I'm sorry, ma'am, no. We do sell them, though, and I can get one of the guys from the back to help you if you'd like to look at---" Here I was interrupted by a triumphant cackle.
  "HA! CHAINSAW! Chainsaw! Right there!!" she exclaimed, with her finger jabbed at the word on the back of the brochure.
  "Well, chainsaw sharpen---" I began timidly.
  "Oh...Chainsaw sharpening, $5.00," she read. "Well, yeah, I guess, let me go look at what you've got for sale," she said, and took off towards the saws.
  I'm still not exactly sure what she thought would happen: I would sigh in defeat, admit it was all a ruse, and rent her the saw? Hmm.
  
• Every new year, ACE sends us a bunch of free calendars to hand out to customers that, in addition to lots of free advertising, provide a monthly bargain. They're really not very exciting, but hey, they're free! Several mornings ago, the phone rang, I answered it, and the caller asked to please speak to a manager. We were pretty busy so I transferred the call and promptly forgot about it. When lunch time came around, I went up front on the hardware side of the store to get some cokes from the machine for my dad and me. Samantha, one of our managers, saw me and grinned.
  "Sarah, you remember the caller who wanted a manager? Do you know what she was calling about?"
  "I have no idea," I admitted.
  "She was calling to complain about our free calendar," she laughed. "Apparently it didn't include phases of the moon."
  I just stared at her.
  "Yep. Apparently last year's had them and she's pretty disappointed..."
  "Damn free calendar" I muttered.
  "Your uncle says he thinks something can be arranged..." she said with a chuckle.
  So I will say here and now: the free ACE calendars are not very exciting and they don't have the damn phases of the moon! I work there and I didn't even want one... I have a Big Bang Theory calendar. And a Hobbit one. They both have the moon phases! I guess you get what you pay for...
  
• The coke machine I just mentioned in the above paragraph is, at best, temperamental. Also, the Coke guy who is supposed to come all the time to fill it only comes when we beg him. We all get kind of desperate when all that's left in the machine is a few bottles of weird Powerade. But like I said, even when the machine is completely full it's iffy. In fact, when business is slow, the cashiers on the hardware side like to watch people when they try to buy drinks. Often, the machine will do this thing where you enter the money, hit the button and the machine starts to rumble promisingly.. but just as the bottle should roll down where you can grab it, the machine makes an unhealthy lurching sound and gives you the error message. When this happens, the employees all throw up their hands and groan comically.
  
• On my afternoon breaks, I sometimes sit at my dads computer at the parts counter and play Reversi online. Let me just say, I used to KICK ASS at that game. Anymore, well... eh, not so much. I was playing today and my dad came back, sat next to me and watched for a minute.
  "Who are you playing?" he asked conversationally.
  I consulted the screen. "A Portuguese beginner."
  "Hmm...What color are you?"
  I gave a barely perceptible pause. "White."
  "Ouch," he offered cheerfully. I didn't dignify that with an answer.
  A moment later, the game ended. Abysmally. I started a new game and turned to him. "Now I'm playing a Greek beginner. You know, I used to be great at this game!"
  "Well the Portuguese guy sure kicked your butt," he commented. "How are you doing this time? Not so well, I'd say.."
  "Well, you know, when you first start a game, sometimes it's good to have less pieces. So then you can get more. And it's really better in the long run. And. And. I'm just making this up. I'm already losing..." I admitted with a sigh.
  My dad has this particular laugh he uses when I say something so completely idiotic or dorky that it couldn't possibly be funny, but it somehow still is. Like when I pull Betty's tail under my nose and say, "Dad, I 'mustache' you a question." Or when I tell him a joke like, "Past, present and future all walked into a room, and man, was it tense!" The laugh is somewhere between a chuckle and a snort of derision.
  Anyway, he gave his laugh then, smacked me lightly on the head and went back to work in an aisle a few feet away. I then somehow managed to turn the game around and win. I excitedly raised my voice and hollered, "Dad! I beat the Greek guy!"
  After a moment's pause, his voice floated over the shelves: "Sure you did...."
  
  Thanks for that vote of confidence, Dad...
  
  

Please note: the photos of the deer, bear, and skunk came directly from Records ACE Hardware's Facebook page...

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Records-Ace-Hardware/269168747665

Hey! Why not like us on Facebook?

Haaaa! I've always wanted to say that!

Sarah

25 Things about Emmy!

Tomorrow is my sister's 25th birthday, so here is a list of 25 things about her!

1. Elizabeth Marie Record was born on January 22nd, 1989. It was Super Bowl Sunday (San Francisco 49ers defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 20 to 16) and my dad bought a pizza which the nurses promptly devoured.

2. Most call her Elizabeth, a few call her Liz, and some of us (mostly family) call her Emmy.

3. She has been dating David for over four years now and they both constantly inviting me to hang out with them and eat dinner with them and go to the movies with them. It would be hard to come up with two cooler or nicer people.

4. Some people say that she and I look very much alike but we just don't really see it...

5. She shares a birthday with Guy Fieri, Steven Adler, and Sir Francis Bacon! Wow!

6. She is very much an animal person. Currently she and David have two cats, Flo (Gordo!) and Beans, and one dog, Pickles.

7. In Mid- and High-school band, she played the french horn (first chair!) and now has her own, which her cats are none-too pleased about. Between the French Horn and the vacuum cleaner they really have a stressful life.

8. She is a notary public! I still have her original stamp.

9. She is the fastest reader I know. She can seriously crank out a 700 page novel in a few hours.

10. Without her, I might never have been introduced to The Big Bang Theory and The Office, which would be terrible! Every so often she texts me random quotes from Dwight Schrute. Her latest: "R is the most menacing sound in the English language. That's why it's called 'murder' and not 'muk-duk'."

11. Years and years ago she and I had a run-in that is still a family controversy. Not wanting to sway you one way or another, here are the facts:

• She and I were home alone, our parents at work
• She and I got in a fight
• I am terrified of spiders
• She knows this
• I went to get my crayons from my backpack
• There was a huge spider on my backpack

Coincidence? I think not. But she maintains she was innocent. We may never know the truth about Spidergate... 

12. When and if I ever get a book written, I'm fairly certain she'll be the first to read it.

13. She has seriously awesome taste in music, movies and books.

14. She and I have a running argument about the lyrics in Mulan's "I'll Make a Man Out of You".

"Be a man!!/We are men!!" We may never know...

15. When I was really little my favorite movie was The Swan Princess. Emmy and I watched it semi-recently and she pointed out that the reason we never hear about Princess Odette's mother is most likely because, "Her mom was probably a... concubine or something." Thanks, Em. That movie will never be the same now  :P

16. She HATES fish.

17. She named Otis!

18. She was the foster-mom of my three black cats. If she hadn't volunteered, I probably never would have met Sheldon, Amy and Three!

19. When we met Escape the Fate at Warped Tour, Craig Mabbitt told her that the Aerosmith shirt she was wearing was the coolest he'd seen that whole tour.

20. At Crue-Fest my friend and I were too shy to go talk to DJ Ashba but Emmy dragged us down there and pushed us towards him, getting this priceless picture!!!

21. She is absolutely one of my best friends in the world. I'm so glad I have her to get over the hard times and enjoy the good times with.

22. Sure we squabble over stupid stuff sometimes, but she's always the first to stand up for me when people give me a hard time or make me upset.

23. Emmy has had a few different health problems, but she's not a complainer.

24. She loves to travel! Most of the time it's pretty hard having our mom on the other side of the country but it sure gives us a good reason to go cool places like West Virginia and Gettysburg! I just hope by the next time we go out there the water is a little cleaner! :)

24. She is great with people! She's polite and friendly and calm. I wish I could be that way.

25. I asked her the other day if she's looking forward to her birthday and she said, "No, not really.." Well, I'm excited for her! So everybody let's make this a good birthday for her! She's worth celebrating :)


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Love,
SaSa

A Fact for Every Year

It is my 22nd birthday. Here are 22 random facts about me!

1. I was supposed to be a boy. Though my parents requested my gender remain a surprise, the doctor heavily hinted that they would soon have a son. They even picked out my name, Timothy. Hey, what can I say? Doctors can be very wrong apparently. But just think: in some alternate universe, you're reading your good friend Tim's blog.

2. I am extremely afraid of police officers but there is one crime that I constantly commit and cannot stop doing- jaywalking!

3. I read constantly and love many, many books but if I had to pick a favorite I'd have to say A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by Betty Smith.

4. I also have two LEAST favorite books. One, Where The Red Fern Grows, I despise because I cannot read the end without literally sobbing. SPOILER ALERT: The dogs die and it's horrible. The other is The Last Song, my first and last attempt at a Nicholas Sparks novel. Long-winded, gag-worthy, religious and preachy. Plus, the only character I enjoy and find interesting is thrown in jail about halfway through.

5. I have several secret talents and abilities, like extinguishing a lit match in my mouth and bending my index finger so far back that it touches the back of my hand.

6. If I'm watching a DVD and it has subtitles, I put them on. Always.

7. I have a tendency to get certain songs and jingles stuck in my head for extremely long periods of time. Literally years. Like for about two and a half years I had "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on repeat. Currently, it's the Meow Mix Jingle. It goes:

I like tuna, I like chicken
Meow Mix flavors keep me lickin'
I like chicken, I like liver
Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver
So much talking, want more eating
Meow, meow, meow, meow, please, please feed me

You're welcome.

8. While not a gifted dancer, I am proficient in three dance crazes: the Macarena, the Hand Jive, and the Chicken Dance.

9. Many years ago I attempted to read the dictionary. If memory serves, I made it to the T's before giving up.

10. I love beef ramen noodles. Delicious, easy and satisfying.

11. I find pickles revolting. My sister likes to eat them at the movies, especially when sitting right next to me.

12. Many years ago, I learned how to speak Elvish. While I don't remember much, I do know enough to understand several words when spoken onscreen in the LOTR and Hobbit movies. Also, for whatever reason there's an Elvish poem that I memorized a very long time ago but still remember and sometimes recite it to myself when I'm nervous. Would you like to hear it? (I gave the spelling my best guess)

Ai lintulinda lasselanta
Pelingeve suwyer nalla ganta
Kuluvi ya carnivalinar
Vemette singi Eldamar

In the case of this poem, I remember the words but not a lot of the meanings. I recall that it is about autumn and of course the elves themselves, made obvious by the capitalization of the last word and also because "elda" is one translation of "elf". I believe "Eldamar" actually translates to "Elf-home".

Anyway.

13. Although I listen to a much larger variety of music now, I still maintain that Children of Bodom is one of my favorite bands, if not my favorite. For years and years I refused to pick a favorite COB song, partly because I loved so many and partly because it felt wrong choosing only one. But here and now I will state that "Chokehold (Cocked 'n' Loaded)" off Hate Crew Deathroll is my favorite COB song.

14. I met Children of Bodom at a meet and greet in a Hot Topic store before they preformed that night at the Sunshine Theater in Albuquerque. I was wearing a COB shirt that had Finnish on the back and I could not for the life of me figure out what it meant so I asked the band. They all kind of looked at each other and finally said, "It's just a road sign in Finland." THIS VERY NIGHT that I'm writing this blog I was looking up the shirt and I finally figured it out. Roughly translated, my shirt said, "Retards Ahead."

15. Abraham Lincoln is my favorite President of the United States.

16. Excluding living things, my digital camera is probably my most valued possession.

17. I have never broken a bone.

18. My wisdom teeth came in sideways so they put me out to extract the teeth. When I woke up I was in this bizarre panic, basically fell out of the chair and haphazardly ran across the lobby while the dentist and nurses chased me.

19. I am not a hugger.

20. I recently heard they're trying to bring Furbys back and this worries me because just about every kid I've ever known who had one has a story about waking up in the middle of the night to find their Furby wide-awake and talking to them. Creepy.

21. My sister was recently kicked by a reindeer :)

22. If you know one thing about it, let it be this: I'M OBSESSED WITH A DOG NAMED OTIS.


Happy birthday to me!

Sarah

Am I Cool or What!!

The answer, of course, is "what".

For a couple years now, there's been this fad going around where people embrace the phrase "NO REGRETS". Make it their life motto! What's done is done, no use fretting about it anymore.

I have two big problems with this:
1. I think it's kind of unrealistic and possibly even foolish. Learn from your mistakes! Become a better, more informed person by studying your past and correcting it! ...but more importantly:
2. I'm just bitter because I am completely unable to do this

Anyway for no particular reason I've compiled a small list of things that I've done which, at the time, I thought were way cool or clever or badass and now, while I may not exactly regret them, I see how nerdy they really were...

1. What seems to be a very long time ago, a film came out: Titanic, you may have heard of it? Anyway when it became available for home viewing, my parents bought it- it came on two videotapes (told you it was a long time ago!) and we watched it together. I remember being scared by all the running-from-the-water scenes and the horrible deaths. Other than that, I just remember being pretty confused. There were adult themes and jokes and words that I just didn't get, but I did pick some of it up without even realizing it. For example, one day I was at home with my mom and she needed to call the Presbyterian Church. She handed me the phone and had me dial the phone number while she read it to me. I dialed, then held the phone up to my ear. It rang once or twice. Suddenly, I flashed back to the movie:

(Just watch the first 20 seconds or so)

http://youtu.be/Q8CadIi00U4

Yep. Seized by the moment, I repeated the line, complete with English accent!
"Pick up, you bastards!"
Needless to say, my mom let out a hysterical giggle and lunged for the phone. Fortunately no one had picked up so no damage had been done, plus I learned that "bastards" is one of those words you really shouldn't say, especially at church.

2. When I was in, I'd say, 4th grade, the phrase "What's up?" just blew up overnight. I don't really recall what we said before, or why it hit so suddenly. Probably a lot of us had older siblings who introduced us to totally hip lingo like that. What I do remember, though, was that for some bizarre reason I don't even recall, I was extremely resistant to the phrase and refused to participate in its use for a very long time. When we'd be on the playground and someone would come over to me and say,
"Hey, Sarah! What's up?"
I would dramatically look up, over my head and say, "The sky."
To me, it was like:

To them, of course, it was like:

3. One of my finer qualities is my spelling ability. It probably comes from excessive reading and writing. All I know is, sometimes I feel like my brain was made with a Spell Check. Only fair considering I was ripped off in the mathematics department.

In 5th grade I participated in the Spelling Bee. For weeks before the actual Bee, we would practice for half an hour or so everyday in class. If you are unfamiliar with the rules of spelling bees, I will tell you that when given a word, you are allowed to ask for the word given in a sentence and also, for the definition of the word. Just about everybody knows these two options are just for buying time, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, during the spelling bee practices, the class would stand up in a line and have a mini-bee. When buying time, my classmates would ask, "Could I have the definition please?" and then, one day, I shook up the whole thing. It was absolute chaos!! I said, "Could you define that for me?"

BAM!

Like I said, it was crazy. After that, everyone used my version of the question. It was like:

I've just realized I have way too many of these "moments" for one blog... 

Keep your eye out for Part 2!!

Happy December!

Sarah

Career Paths Not Taken

When I was in 8th grade, my classmates and I took online tests that measured our talents and interests in different areas, which would, in theory, suggest careers that we would be well suited to. I hardly remember the test at all, but I definitely remember my results. Sure, there were a couple suggestions like "Author", "Musician", and "Therapist", all realistic and very connected to who I was and what I was interested in at the time.

Also included in the list, however, were things like "Mortician" and "Catholic Priest".

I can't really express through words how I feel about that, so please accept this picture instead.

Anyway, as I've grown older I've had no choice but to spend time thinking about the right career for me, and at the same time I've been compiling a small mental list of careers I will never have. I have listed them below along with explanations as to why I feel that way.

**PLEASE NOTE** I did not include things like "Mass Murderer", "Pirate" or "Intergalactic Space Alien" because they are unrealistic, ridiculous, and, in some cases, not currently an option.

In order of descending likelihood:

Actor: This occupation isn't nearly as out of the question as the others but I still feel it's true. I have been in several plays over the years, almost always in the background. It's true that I like reading and stories and I can actually read aloud pretty well, but when I get onstage it all falls apart, not to mention that I don't have a decent singing voice to contribute to musicals. Oh, and it could also do with a few traumatizing acting experiences when I was younger...

In Raton, every summer we have a children's play company come through town who take a week and throw on a new production of an old fairy tale with the kids from the community. Well, the first time I tried out there were too many kids and I didn't get a part. The next time I took weeks to prepare beforehand, planning my clever answers to their questions: "And how old are you, Sarah?" "I'm as old as you want me to be!" And what do you know, I got a part! Maybe because there was a big shortage of kids that year, but that's beside the point. Anyway, the part I got was one of the witch's assistants in Hansel and Gretel. It was a pretty cool part- there were several of us and we spoke in rhyme. The downside? It was also our job to do a dance dressed as gingerbread men. Yeah, you read that right. They stuck us in gingerbread costumes and we had to do this stupid dance, oh, excuse me, ballet. We were the laughingstock of the cast. Even when our families came to watch at the end of the week, the audience erupted in ridiculing laughter. Sure, it might be cute to see your little 5 and 6 years old do a little dance in costumes, but not 11 and 12 year olds.

Police Officer: This one is because of two simple reasons. One, I seem to lack any kind of presence or authority, and Two, I am terrified of police officers for no real reason. I would be unable to look into a mirror when wearing my uniform because I would immediately have a panic attack.

Taxi driver: I was tragically born without a sense of direction. I have lived in Raton, NM all my life and I can still get lost here, never mind living in a city big enough to need taxis! Let me just assure you that I do have my drivers license and I'm very happy about that. I love having the ability to drive myself anywhere at any time without depending on others. That said, I still don't really enjoy driving that much. It stresses me out quite a bit, especially when passing police officers (see above). Also, I'm really not that much of a people person and the idea of being forced to make small talk with complete strangers bothers me almost as much as navigating. Oh! And money! Charging cranky stressed out people who pick apart my driving route? No thank you! See? Thinking about driving a taxi stresses me out.

Athlete: If you've ever seen me, this is kind of obvious. I'm not built like an athlete. I'm short and very chubby. You know what? If you don't know what I look like, think back to the stereotypical "dork" in kid's movies: the short, squat kid with the glasses who carries an inhaler? Bingo! Also, I don't understand sports at all. Not in general, and especially not football. I am lost completely when it comes to football. The closest to athletics I've gotten was when I was six: I saw the movie "Space Jam" and fell in love with it, especially Michael Jordan. I seriously wanted to BE Michael Jordan when I grew up, which is strangely ironic considering the fact that I am now Michael Jordan's complete physical opposite.

Model: Again, this is pretty obvious when you see me. It really is too bad, especially because my mom and my sister are absolutely beautiful. My mom is even built like a model, tall and slender. As we've covered, I'm short and round and my face is pitted and scarred from years of severe acne. I don't dress like a model and many people might find my tattoos and crazy hair very unattractive. It's kind of funny to think about because it's when my hair is bright pink and I'm dressed in my band T-shirts that I feel prettiest.

Mathematician: I. Hate. Math. So, so much. It confuses me and stresses me out. It's not for lack of trying! I've had some fantastic math teachers over the years- excellent in their field and endlessly patient with me and my constant confusion. When I signed up for my first semester of college and I found out I would eventually have to take a math class, I actually teared up at the thought. In fact, the closest to an accomplishment I've ever had regarding math was when my 8th grade math teacher held up my math binder in each and every one of her classes as the perfect example of what your math binder should never look like.


I had a "Communications" college class a year or two ago and on the first day our teacher had us take out a piece of paper and write down several things we could not do. So, I wrote down:

Sing
Play kickball (childhood sports trauma, don't ask)
Math

She then said, "Look at your list. Now, change "can't do" to "won't do". There was that deep moment when everyone in the class looked down at their lists and "ohhhhhhh"-ed and "ahhhhhh"-ed. I looked down. Singing? Yeah, I physically can. I actually like to, when no one's around to hear. Play kickball? Ehh, harder. But I did and lived through it. Math?

I'm sorry, no. Hell no.

:)

Happy Halloween!!!

Sarah

Veloci-Cats

I have three kittens: Sheldon, Amy and Three. If you're wondering, yes, I am a fan of The Big Bang Theory.

All three are completely black and very close in size. Three is a little fluffier, but other than that they are close to identical. My mom and step-dad, Leo, also have a kitten right now and my mom has asked on more than one occasion how I can handle three at the same time. Well, it helps that with three of them, they often pick on each other instead of me.

However, sometimes it backfires.

When they are all hyper and running around like crazy, sometimes it seems more like a herd than a trio. They can behave much like a school of fish- synchronized and eerily similar. They also hunt in a pack.

A few evenings ago, I was watching TV and eating Wheat Thins. Of the three kittens, Sheldon in particular likes to steal things that I'm eating- cookies, pieces of cheese... Wheat Thins. He usually doesn't even eat what he steals, he just bats them around on the floor and chases them.

Anyway, as you might imagine, this evening was no different: I was eating Wheat Thins and Sheldon wanted one. Unfortunately for him, I am used to him and know to keep an eye on him when I'm snacking. His solution? Strength in numbers.

Amy hopped up on to my lap and started purring and nuzzling my hand. Three descended from the back of the chair onto my shoulder and started bumping against my face, her tail blocking my vision. In this moment of weakness, Sheldon shot like a mad-cat from the floor to my bowl of Wheat Thins, then streaked across the floor, well out of reach, his prize clamped in his jaws.

As I watched him play hockey with my Wheat Thin, I was struck with a thought: How similar my cats' hunting patterns are to that of the velociraptors in the Jurassic Park movies! Don't know what I mean? Watch!

http://youtu.be/z2UQv2JUZoU

Well, maybe not quite that extreme, but you get the idea. I shared this thought with several of my family members, to their universal amusement. My sister came up with the term "Veloci-Cats" and also "Kitty-Raptors."

I knew I was right on with the comparison when I watched my kittens hunt a mouse last night. Watch this video and imagine the raptors as smaller, black and fuzzy. Also, replace the human with a terrified little mouse.

http://youtu.be/jaFT6RVz5w4

I'd say that the biggest difference between the dinosaurs and my cats are:

1. The raptors in Jurassic Park actually seem willing to share the prey, and..
2. There is no way the raptors in Jurassic Park could make any noise to rival that of Sheldon's. He seriously sounded like a lawn mower!

And for the record, I'm not completely heartless. I was eventually able to get near enough to the mouse to scoop him up in an empty Cup-of-Noodles and take him outside to die in peace. Needless to say, my cats were not pleased.

Oh! And if you're wondering how the whole Wheat Thin incident went down, it ended as suddenly as it began- Sheldon batted it across the floor, where it hit Otis' foot. For a split second, time stood still- would she snap at him? Growl? Stare at him until he was able to get it back? Nope! She casually looked down at the Wheat Thin, ate it, and went back to dozing.

Bwa-ha-ha! Sorry Sheldon! Better luck next time...

Sarah

Before I Lose My Nerve

I have a confession that I have to make. It's really time, I think... I've been lying to a lot of people for many years now and events have come into place so that I can no longer keep up the facade. Please, please don't judge me.

I have brown eyes.

There, I said it. It's out in the open now!

I was born, like most babies, with milky blue eyes. I think a lot of people thought my eyes would transform into a kind of blue/green, like my dad's eyes. But no, they darkened. My eyes are brown, like my mom's and my sister's. Except not. I have on multiple occasions looked closely at my mom's and sister's eyes and they are a pretty light brown shade, almost green in the sunlight- close to hazel at times. Am I so lucky? No! My eyes are brown. Not "chocolate brown". Not a dark, "mysterious" brown. Brown. Like dirt. Fecal matter. Beavers!

Anyway, when I began to wear contact lenses, I jumped at the chance to wear the colored kind of lenses. The "Fresh Look" brand, if you're wondering. Over the years I tried like four different shades of blue lenses, grey, and finally green. I loved them all.

Unfortunately about two months ago I started having some issues. When I put in a brand new pair of contacts I had no problems, but when I put in a pair that I had worn already, put in solution, then back in the eyes, my left eye completely rejected the lens. It stung and itched and wouldn't stay in place and ended with either tearing or me taking it out because it was so annoying. Therefore, I have been wearing my glasses almost constantly. I like the ease of wearing glasses but I don't like how I look in them, so I knew it was time to go see my eye doctor. Optometrist? Ophthalmologist? Optician?

At the risk of giving away confidential medical information, I go to Dr. Hagen in Trinidad. I don't go often-only when necessary- but it seems like every time I go it's almost exactly the same: the cool, quiet office with the same faded, framed printouts of optical illusions and the locked display of expensive sunglasses on the wall. One of the receptionists who has been there a very long time always remembers my name and that I'm from Raton and that I'm connected with the ACE store there. There's the same small coffee table with the nearly obsessively straight stacks of almost-current magazines. And the carpet! How many medical offices do you go to that has carpet? Sure, maybe in the waiting rooms there will be a little carpeting- the very short, easy to clean stuff- but at Dr. Hagen's office there's this really thick nice carpet that runs through the entire building. Very luxurious!

Anyway following routine, one of the women who works there took updated medical information and left me alone in the exam room (with carpet!!!!)

I must pause here and be honest. Every time this happens in any doctors office I have to completely fight the temptation to go digging through drawers and playing with the medical equipment, especially in Dr. Hagen's office! He has this great humongous model of an eye and all these eye drops and little plastic things all over the office, not to mention all the crazy equipment he uses to check eyesight and eye health. I love just looking at the machines because they almost look like implements of torture.

Luckily I wasn't kept waiting long. Like just about everything else there, Dr. Hagen seems unchanged. Same bright clean doctor's coat and friendly demeanor. He checked my eyesight (got worse!) and after hearing my troubles got out this crazy eye measure-er thing I'd never seen before. Turns out, and I'm very sorry if this is like TMI and makes you uncomfortable to hear such personal things, but I have abnormally flat corneas. This, paired with the colored lenses I've been wearing all these years, is not good.

After talking options, I'm trying two new kind of lenses: one is good for my flat corneas and the other is good for continuous wear, since I hate putting them in and taking them out. I have an appointment in a week and I will then decide which I prefer. Neither, however, is colored.

I'm actually not that bothered. This may sound stupid and jokey but in all honesty my favorite thing about the colored lenses is that they are so hard to lose!

Right before I left, Dr. Hagen offered me those cheap, cardboard, dorky sunglasses since my eyes were dilated. I thanked him but turned them down, telling him I had some in the car. I actually had no intention of wearing them since it was kind of overcast today. But when I stepped out of the office I almost fell over. It was like staring at the sun! Eyes squinted shut, I blindly groped for the door handle of my car and jumped inside, panting. I dug around until I found an old dusty pair of sunglasses and wore them over my regular glasses, pointedly ignoring the looks I got from other drivers.

Anyway, next time you see me, whether I'm wearing glasses or contacts my eyes will be brown. It will be simpler in the long run, like when I renew my driver's license and they ask what color my eyes are. Nevertheless, I would appreciate your support. Love me and support me in this new life of truth and self-acceptance.

Hey, you know what I just realized? You know what is also brown? My dog! Maybe it's not so bad after all...

Sarah