If you're reading this, you probably already know that I am mentally ill. Schizoaffective Disorder and OCD. But if you're reading this and you don't know, click here to read about it.
A quick summary would be, I've been hallucinating for just about as long as I remember. Delusions raged and the hallucinations became real for a long time. Slight mania wove itself through these years, before sinking, deep deep deep into suicidal depression. On April 20th, 2004, I took a kitchen knife and tried to kill myself.
And that started the meds. Meds to bring me up, bring me down, meds to stop the hallucinations. Some of them were good drugs. Some were shitty. I did finally broke out of that depression! Then I faced years of out-of-control mania. But I still fought with hallucinations. They weren't all-consuming like they were when I was younger. Just troublesome. Whispers and visions and hearing TVs on when they were off, and feeling phantom hands touching me. They no longer spoke to me, telling me what to do. They just played with me.
So I started this med called Zyprexa, which has pretty thoroughly wiped out my hallucinations. Unfortunately my psychiatrist calls it "The Fat Pill." Pill side effects are nothing new to me. Lithium caused cystic acne that scarred and pitted my face. It also damaged my thyroid. But Zyprexa caused weight gain and makes me sleep like the dead, fighting sleep HOURS after I finally wake up. It just brings me down in every sense. And I'd be lying if I didn't tell you... I miss alcohol!! It's a big no-no on Zyprexa.
My family has thought for a long time that I'm overmedicated; that these meds, ESPECIALLY Zyprexa has turned me into a walking corpse. And I hate that. I feel trapped by it, a huge weight settled on my chest. Just so stifled.
So on December 7th, I have a phone meeting with my psychiatrist and I'm gonna tell her.. I want OFF Zyprexa. I understand it will probably happen slowly, over months, but I'm done.
I also understand some--or more-- of the hallucinations will come back. But I have to be brave. My hallucinations can't hurt me, and these are usually pretty harmless anyway. So what if I see things in my peripheral vision or hear music that's not really playing. I think it will be worth it to live freer, not held down.
It may sound silly but this is a big move for me.
I'm a little scared. But I know it's right for me. And I have SO MUCH support.
I can do this.
Sarah
