Well over a year ago, I published this blog, an account of my more recent mental health problems:
http://jesusbeanlaiho.blogspot.com/2013/03/im-feeling-very-frank-today.html
And about 4 months ago I posted this blog, my background and history with depression, written to mark the 10 year anniversary of my suicide attempt:
http://jesusbeanlaiho.blogspot.com/2014/04/seriously-reader-discretion-advised.html
I fully intended to write another blog about the 10 years since, but I never got around to it.
Well, here we go.
About an hour ago, I read about the death of Robin Williams. The death is believed to be a suicide. Now, I've never met Robin Williams, never spoke to him, never even seen him in person, but somehow I, along with the rest of the world, feel like I almost know him. He was the voice of the Genie in Aladdin, he was in Jumanji, he was Mrs. Doubtfire. Years and years before I was born, he was Mork, of "Mork and Mindy".
He was an actor, yes, a great one. But I think the world will always remember him as a comedian. He could always make us laugh, and the fact that his death was probably a suicide is hard to understand, hard to handle.
Everybody dislikes depression and suicide. How could you not? But I just HATE it. It's like this awful, greedy monster that feeds on unhappiness and isn't satisfied until it's taken every bit of joy from your life, or even your life itself.
When I think of my struggles with depression, and others' as well, it seems similar to people's struggles with addiction to drugs and alcohol; that once you go through it, you're never completely rid of it. For the rest of your life, you'll be a "recovering" addict, or a "recovering" depressive, in my case. Instead of a substance, we recovering depressives are addicted to hating ourselves. And even though we don't all go to meetings like some alcoholics go to AA, I feel like we are still connected through our experiences, and when I hear that one of our own has finally succumbed to his or her addiction, it really, REALLY bothers me.
I recently learned of the death of writer Ned Vizzini, the author of It's Kind of a Funny Story, a book about a young man's fight with depression. I always loved the book because I could relate to the struggles, and Ned Vizzini was so gifted at describing depression; how awful it is and what it's like to fight it. There was a reason: he went through it too! In fact, the book's plot of a suicidal young man checking himself into a psychiatric ward was mostly autobiographical. The book's main character, Craig, thought about killing himself by jumping from great heights, so imagine my sick shock to discover Ned Vizzini died by jumping off a building.
And so depression took another one of us.
Very, very few people know this, but I was recently diagnosed, in addition to the Bipolar/Schizoaffective Disorder, with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Long story short, I worry. I worry constantly. I am a checker. I check to make sure my doors are locked and my windows are shut and the lights are off and my alarm clock is on and there is water in my dog's bowl and that there are no cats in my refrigerator. I have routines that help a little bit. When I go to bed, I say to myself, "Off. Off. Shut. Locked. Window. Window. Refrigerator. Cat. Cat. Cat. Water. Light." But it doesn't always work, and no matter how many times I check, I don't trust that I checked correctly, so I check again.
The OCD manifests itself in other weird ways too: I feel certain that I won't have a good day at work unless I tell myself before I GET to work that I will have a good day. Sometimes I get these bizarre obsessive thoughts like: "I know that it is one of the most basic facts that we hear out of our ears but how can I be sure? I feel like if I really hear out of my ears, I should be able to feel the sounds coming into my ears but I can't, so how do I know I hear out of my ears?" and even though I tell myself how weird and stupid that is, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm afraid to throw things out because I feel like as soon as I do, I'll need them. At work when I'm checking customers out, I ask them over and over (sometimes to their annoyance!) how many sacks of dirt they want, just to make sure I got it. I have a DVR and when I'm watching TV, I'll go back again and again and again to hear a certain noise, or to hear someone say something... it makes me feel better for a split second before I have to do it again.
As chronicled in the two blogs I listed above, I have also had lots of problems with hallucinations and delusions and out of control mania. But you know what? NONE OF THAT sucks as badly as the plain, simple, god-awful depression.
I sometimes think about what I would say to my 12 year old self, looking back at all I've experienced. What would I say to that suicidal little girl that hated herself and saw no other way out?
Well, I'll give it a shot.
________________________________________________________________
Dear Sarah,
I have one word for you: Possibilities. That's one of the sneaky things about depression- it makes you forget about possibilities. When depression has you in its grip, all you can think about is the here and now, and how awful that is. In fact, the only possibility you think about is the possibility of escape.
But there are SOOOOOO many possibilities you're not even aware of: the possibility of relief, the possibility of a future, the possibility of a life free of depression. I can and will tell you it won't be easy, but it is most definitely possible.
But in order for these things to be possible, you gotta fight it. You gotta kick and scream and fight. And, like it or not, you need help. You have to ask for help. Support and medicine and help.
Asking for help is not weak or stupid. One of most mental health professionals' favorite points is that depression is a medical condition, just like a broken bone or cancer. You would seek help for that bone or that tumor, wouldn't you? So why aren't you asking for help with your depression?
You are stronger than you know. Strong enough to turn possibilities into reality.
Love, Sarah
P.S. I have one more word for you: OTIS
____________________________________________________
At this point, they have not technically confirmed Robin Williams' death as a suicide, and for his and his family's sake, I hope it's not. Even though I never knew him, I hate the idea. I hate the idea of ANYONE suffering from it.
I doubt many people will read this but if you are reading this and you're suffering from depression, please don't give in to it. FIGHT LIKE HELL and get help, okay?
THANK YOU for reading all of this! I just had to get it out. To sum it all up:
I HATE YOU, DEPRESSION!!
Ahem. Heh.
Sarah
Monday, August 11, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Your Guide to Raton: Version 2.0
I am fortunate enough to have been born in the cultural hotspot of Raton, America, and I felt it's time to share with those not so fortunate. Below I have compiled a small list of terms, locations, and activities common here in the Land of Enchantment.
You're welcome in advance.
____________________________________
VERSION 2.0
I have marked all new additions with an asterisk *
Also, please note that I am by no means an expert on speaking Spanish; the Spanish words and phrases I included are just some of the more interesting and useful ones, and the translations given are just my personal interpretation of what they mean.
¿Comprendo?
*ALL- Local term. For whatever reason, in this part of the world, "all" is often used as a replacement for "really" or "extremely" when describing something intense, as in: "Whoa, that's ALL crazy!" or "I got ALL sick last night."
*BAD- Local term. Ironically, in most cases when used by young'uns, bad means good. As in, "Oh, that's song is bad, dude." Sort of like "badass" or "sick".
BEAR BAIT- Local term. A not-so endearing term for the massive amounts of Boy Scouts who come through Raton every summer on their way to Philmont Scout Ranch.
*CAPULIN VOLCANO- Place. Yep, it's a real volcano! Granted, it's been about 60,000 years since it last erupted...
http://www.nps.gov/cavo/index.htm
*CERVEZA- Spanish term, pronounced "sehr-vay-sah". Beer!
CHAY (also SHAY, CHAYZERS)- Local vernacular. Not to be confused with "E". The word "chay" is usually used as an exclamation of surprise, awe, astonishment, or shock. In some cases, the word is drawn out extensively: "Chaaaayyyyyyyy". This usually indicates a larger amount of surprise, awe, etc.
CHUPACABRA- Local legend. Or is it? True, the Chupacabra is not just limited to New Mexico, but it is well known here. Every so often the NM news channels will do stories on the Chupacabra, and they are always a funny mix of the newscasters shooting holes in the story and irate farmers complaining about the damn things eating their goats.
CRUISING- Common local activity. Mostly a social activity, "cruising" is the activity of driving up and down Raton's 2nd Street with friends, blasting loud music and wasting finite natural resources.
DAIRY QUEEN ICE CREAM CONE- Infamous local landmark. Located in front of Raton's Dairy Queen establishment, there is a humongous replica of an ice cream cone. Just about every six year old who has seen it has licked it, Raton citizens included.
E- Local vernacular. Not to be confused with "chay". "E" (pronounced like it looks) is generally an exclamation of chagrin, annoyance, frustration, or exasperation. Often drawn out, "Eeeeeeeeeeee" sometimes comes out as an irritated sigh.
*FOOL- Local vernacular. In Raton, "fool" is sometimes a nonspecific word for a peer, or sometimes a term of endearment, much like "dude". Ironically, in Raton, "fool" is rarely an insult.
FIREBALLS, THE- The Fireballs are one of Raton's few claim-to-fames. The band formed in the 1950's and is known for the hit, "Sugar Shack".
GARDNER ROAD- Infamous local landmark. Gardner Road is a small road on the outskirts of Raton, not heavily trafficked. Mostly used by locals as a place to drink, get high, have sex, and/or hunt for trolls.
*GOATHEADS- Local vegetation. The enemy of all bare feet, these awful thorns grow in abundance here.
*HIJITA/HIJITO- Spanish term, pronounced "hee-ta/hee-to." The actual translation is daughter/son, but older people often call unrelated young people by these terms. For example, at work I'm called "Hijita" several times a day, but never by my dad.
*LA LLORONA- Local legend, pronounced "La Yorona", meaning "They Crying Woman." This area's answer to the Bogeyman. The legend changes according to where you are and who tells it, but I will give you a quick summary of the legend I'm familiar with:
Years and years ago, there was once a very beautiful woman named Maria. She had many suitors- nice men who would make good husbands and take good care of her. However, Maria found them boring and, instead, turned her attentions to the local bad-boy who was handsome and dangerous. In time, they married and had several children. As time went on, however, he started spending more and more time away from home and had several mistresses on the side. Soon, the only time he came home was to see his children, and never even looked at Maria. After once such visit, Maria fell into a jealous rage, took her children to the river and drowned them. When she realized what she'd done, she was so distraught she drowned herself.
As the legend goes, children should never stay out after dark because the spirit of La LLorona is still out, looking for her children and if she finds a child out after dark, she will take them away. They say, if you are by the river at night, you can still hear her crying.
*NUH?- Local vernacular. Tacked onto the end of a statement, "nuh?" is a grunt for approval or acknowledgement. As in: "Yous are going out of town this weekend, nuh?" or "You wanna go to Dairy Queen, nuh?"
OMBERS- Local vernacular. Pronounced "awwm-burs". All but extinct, this word was the precursor to "chay", and is therefore noteworthy. Mostly used by elementary school children. As with "chay" and "E", "ombers" was sometimes drawn out.
*OOOOO- Local vernacular. "Oooo" is kind of hard to explain without saying it aloud. It's not "ooooh" as in: "Who'd like a cerveza?" "Ooooh, I do!" and it's not "Ewwww" as in: "Ewww, I just stepped on a goathead and my foot is bleeding." It's like a sigh, but more forceful.
PO-PO- Local vernacular. Term for the police, of course. I actually made a joke out of it: What does Santa Claus say when he sees the police? Po-po-po!
*POBRECITA/POBRECITO- Spanish term. "Poor thing." In my experience, unless someone is told this while they are deathly ill, it is probably not sincere.
POLICE REPORT- Local news. Played on the radio, it's a list of alleged criminals and their crimes. Almost always good for a laugh, since it's such a small town. It's always great when someone you don't like gets a speeding ticket or something.
*QUE VA- Spanish term. I believe it technically means "What goes?" but it is extremely versatile. Some people use it like "No way!" and some people use it like, "Damn it!" and some people say it when their peers are being idiots... your call.
RATON- Place. Located in the Northeast corner of New Mexico, this gem of a town was once called "Willow Springs" but is now called Raton. No one is exactly sure why. For the record, pronounced correctly it would be something like "Ruh-tone" but we locals pronounce it "Rat-own".
*SHULER THEATER- Local landmark. I make fun of Raton often, but I can honestly say the Shuler Theater is one of the few Raton landmarks I'm proud of. It is beautiful and historical and I'm honored to be able to say I've been part of several productions, on the stage and behind it.
http://www.shulertheater.com/
*TRINIDAD- Place. Just over the Colorado boarder, this town's Claim to Fame is the fact that it is hailed as "The Sex Change Capital of The World." Raton residents and Trinidad residents have always had kind of an uneasy camaraderie. The relationship is strained by the fact that our sports teams despise each other- on more than one occasion there have been fights and slashed tires. However, with towns as small as ours, we inevitably cross paths often and strike up friendships when we're tired of the dumbasses in our own towns...
TROLL- Local legend. Out on Gardner Road (see above), there is a bridge that, legend has it, is home to a flesh-eating troll. Locals will sometimes dare each other to go troll-hunting at night. As far as I'm aware, the troll has never been sighted, but when you go under the bridge in the daylight, there are bones down there. Maybe not such a legend after all...
WALMART (as in, "Let's go to Walmart!")- Location/Activity. Superior to KMart because of its location and 24 hour operation, locals like to go there a lot. It's an excuse to go to Trinidad where there are lots of different restaurants and whether you buy anything or not, there's always something to do. NOTE: Playing hide and seek there is frowned upon...
*YOUS- Local vernacular. "Yous" is a versatile word! It can be plural: "So what do yous guys wanna eat?" Or single: "Hey dude, do yous wanna come over and hang out?"
*505- Area code. For a very long time, 505 was Raton's area code and it became kind of a gang related symbol- people would get it tattooed to show their dedication. Then our code changed to 575... and now there are a bunch of people with 505 inexplicably on their arms and necks.
Have you contacted your travel agent yet? :)
Sarah
PLEASE NOTE: I have started a new blog, my One Year to a Book Project, where I am attempting to write a fiction novel, while blogging every single day! I hope you'll consider following me!
One Year to a Book Blog
You're welcome in advance.
____________________________________
VERSION 2.0
I have marked all new additions with an asterisk *
Also, please note that I am by no means an expert on speaking Spanish; the Spanish words and phrases I included are just some of the more interesting and useful ones, and the translations given are just my personal interpretation of what they mean.
¿Comprendo?
*ALL- Local term. For whatever reason, in this part of the world, "all" is often used as a replacement for "really" or "extremely" when describing something intense, as in: "Whoa, that's ALL crazy!" or "I got ALL sick last night."
*BAD- Local term. Ironically, in most cases when used by young'uns, bad means good. As in, "Oh, that's song is bad, dude." Sort of like "badass" or "sick".
BEAR BAIT- Local term. A not-so endearing term for the massive amounts of Boy Scouts who come through Raton every summer on their way to Philmont Scout Ranch.
*CAPULIN VOLCANO- Place. Yep, it's a real volcano! Granted, it's been about 60,000 years since it last erupted...
http://www.nps.gov/cavo/index.htm
*CERVEZA- Spanish term, pronounced "sehr-vay-sah". Beer!
CHAY (also SHAY, CHAYZERS)- Local vernacular. Not to be confused with "E". The word "chay" is usually used as an exclamation of surprise, awe, astonishment, or shock. In some cases, the word is drawn out extensively: "Chaaaayyyyyyyy". This usually indicates a larger amount of surprise, awe, etc.
CHUPACABRA- Local legend. Or is it? True, the Chupacabra is not just limited to New Mexico, but it is well known here. Every so often the NM news channels will do stories on the Chupacabra, and they are always a funny mix of the newscasters shooting holes in the story and irate farmers complaining about the damn things eating their goats.
CRUISING- Common local activity. Mostly a social activity, "cruising" is the activity of driving up and down Raton's 2nd Street with friends, blasting loud music and wasting finite natural resources.
DAIRY QUEEN ICE CREAM CONE- Infamous local landmark. Located in front of Raton's Dairy Queen establishment, there is a humongous replica of an ice cream cone. Just about every six year old who has seen it has licked it, Raton citizens included.
E- Local vernacular. Not to be confused with "chay". "E" (pronounced like it looks) is generally an exclamation of chagrin, annoyance, frustration, or exasperation. Often drawn out, "Eeeeeeeeeeee" sometimes comes out as an irritated sigh.
*FOOL- Local vernacular. In Raton, "fool" is sometimes a nonspecific word for a peer, or sometimes a term of endearment, much like "dude". Ironically, in Raton, "fool" is rarely an insult.
FIREBALLS, THE- The Fireballs are one of Raton's few claim-to-fames. The band formed in the 1950's and is known for the hit, "Sugar Shack".
GARDNER ROAD- Infamous local landmark. Gardner Road is a small road on the outskirts of Raton, not heavily trafficked. Mostly used by locals as a place to drink, get high, have sex, and/or hunt for trolls.
*GOATHEADS- Local vegetation. The enemy of all bare feet, these awful thorns grow in abundance here.
*HIJITA/HIJITO- Spanish term, pronounced "hee-ta/hee-to." The actual translation is daughter/son, but older people often call unrelated young people by these terms. For example, at work I'm called "Hijita" several times a day, but never by my dad.
*LA LLORONA- Local legend, pronounced "La Yorona", meaning "They Crying Woman." This area's answer to the Bogeyman. The legend changes according to where you are and who tells it, but I will give you a quick summary of the legend I'm familiar with:
Years and years ago, there was once a very beautiful woman named Maria. She had many suitors- nice men who would make good husbands and take good care of her. However, Maria found them boring and, instead, turned her attentions to the local bad-boy who was handsome and dangerous. In time, they married and had several children. As time went on, however, he started spending more and more time away from home and had several mistresses on the side. Soon, the only time he came home was to see his children, and never even looked at Maria. After once such visit, Maria fell into a jealous rage, took her children to the river and drowned them. When she realized what she'd done, she was so distraught she drowned herself.
As the legend goes, children should never stay out after dark because the spirit of La LLorona is still out, looking for her children and if she finds a child out after dark, she will take them away. They say, if you are by the river at night, you can still hear her crying.
*NUH?- Local vernacular. Tacked onto the end of a statement, "nuh?" is a grunt for approval or acknowledgement. As in: "Yous are going out of town this weekend, nuh?" or "You wanna go to Dairy Queen, nuh?"
OMBERS- Local vernacular. Pronounced "awwm-burs". All but extinct, this word was the precursor to "chay", and is therefore noteworthy. Mostly used by elementary school children. As with "chay" and "E", "ombers" was sometimes drawn out.
*OOOOO- Local vernacular. "Oooo" is kind of hard to explain without saying it aloud. It's not "ooooh" as in: "Who'd like a cerveza?" "Ooooh, I do!" and it's not "Ewwww" as in: "Ewww, I just stepped on a goathead and my foot is bleeding." It's like a sigh, but more forceful.
PO-PO- Local vernacular. Term for the police, of course. I actually made a joke out of it: What does Santa Claus say when he sees the police? Po-po-po!
*POBRECITA/POBRECITO- Spanish term. "Poor thing." In my experience, unless someone is told this while they are deathly ill, it is probably not sincere.
POLICE REPORT- Local news. Played on the radio, it's a list of alleged criminals and their crimes. Almost always good for a laugh, since it's such a small town. It's always great when someone you don't like gets a speeding ticket or something.
*QUE VA- Spanish term. I believe it technically means "What goes?" but it is extremely versatile. Some people use it like "No way!" and some people use it like, "Damn it!" and some people say it when their peers are being idiots... your call.
RATON- Place. Located in the Northeast corner of New Mexico, this gem of a town was once called "Willow Springs" but is now called Raton. No one is exactly sure why. For the record, pronounced correctly it would be something like "Ruh-tone" but we locals pronounce it "Rat-own".
*SHULER THEATER- Local landmark. I make fun of Raton often, but I can honestly say the Shuler Theater is one of the few Raton landmarks I'm proud of. It is beautiful and historical and I'm honored to be able to say I've been part of several productions, on the stage and behind it.
http://www.shulertheater.com/
*TRINIDAD- Place. Just over the Colorado boarder, this town's Claim to Fame is the fact that it is hailed as "The Sex Change Capital of The World." Raton residents and Trinidad residents have always had kind of an uneasy camaraderie. The relationship is strained by the fact that our sports teams despise each other- on more than one occasion there have been fights and slashed tires. However, with towns as small as ours, we inevitably cross paths often and strike up friendships when we're tired of the dumbasses in our own towns...
TROLL- Local legend. Out on Gardner Road (see above), there is a bridge that, legend has it, is home to a flesh-eating troll. Locals will sometimes dare each other to go troll-hunting at night. As far as I'm aware, the troll has never been sighted, but when you go under the bridge in the daylight, there are bones down there. Maybe not such a legend after all...
WALMART (as in, "Let's go to Walmart!")- Location/Activity. Superior to KMart because of its location and 24 hour operation, locals like to go there a lot. It's an excuse to go to Trinidad where there are lots of different restaurants and whether you buy anything or not, there's always something to do. NOTE: Playing hide and seek there is frowned upon...
*YOUS- Local vernacular. "Yous" is a versatile word! It can be plural: "So what do yous guys wanna eat?" Or single: "Hey dude, do yous wanna come over and hang out?"
*505- Area code. For a very long time, 505 was Raton's area code and it became kind of a gang related symbol- people would get it tattooed to show their dedication. Then our code changed to 575... and now there are a bunch of people with 505 inexplicably on their arms and necks.
Have you contacted your travel agent yet? :)
Sarah
PLEASE NOTE: I have started a new blog, my One Year to a Book Project, where I am attempting to write a fiction novel, while blogging every single day! I hope you'll consider following me!
One Year to a Book Blog
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Seriously, Reader Discretion Advised
The following is part of a blog I wrote, about seven years ago, on Myspace. I originally wrote it for a different purpose entirely, but on this upcoming Sunday, April 20th, it will be the ten year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I will be writing a separate blog to mark that occasion, but I thought I would go ahead and share this, the story and some background, before then. It may be strange and awful to read, and it might just feel like too much personal information, and if so, please don't read it. But to me, it was (and is) a huge, life-altering event and I want to share it.
I'm not sharing it to be morbid- quite the opposite. I think it really, really shows just how far I have come.
_______________________________________________________________
Saturday, April 7th, 2007
Okay. I'm about to show you probably one of the worst pics I've ever been in. It's me in 5th grade.
I'm not sharing it to be morbid- quite the opposite. I think it really, really shows just how far I have come.
_______________________________________________________________
Saturday, April 7th, 2007
Okay. I'm about to show you probably one of the worst pics I've ever been in. It's me in 5th grade.
Ugh. I still cringe every time I see that. What a nerd, huh?
But 5th grade wasn't a great year for me. It wasn't as bad as 6th grade, but still bad. I was pretty depressed my 5th grade year. In 5th and 6th grade, I hallucinated a lot. A big part of my world was people other people could never see or hear. But I did. I dreamt about them all the time.. as time went on they got progressively worse. I remember one night, I dreamt that one of the people was standing beside me. I woke up, and she was standing beside me. She reached out and touched my shoulder and I felt it.
In 6th grade, I was suicidal.
I was looking around and I found this old daily journal we did for English. Flipping through it, you can see me sinking lower and lower.
This is the first page:
This is April 14th:
And I'll just type out a few other journal entries so you can see:
November 6th 2003
"There's nothing I desire more than being alone without other people. Alone is how I function best!"
November 18th 2003
-Write about your life at age 35.
"My life will probably be similar to most 35 year-olds. I'll get up at 7, go to work in a stuffy oppressive cubicle from 9 to 5, go home to my small apartment, heat up a TV dinner, and go to bed at 10. I will waste my life in this fashion. Anymore, most things are manufactured in other countries, so I'll be lucky to even have a job."
January 21st 2004
-Do you believe in miracles?
"No, I don't believe in miracles. People are on earth not because someone put us here and is watching over us, but because the conditions on this earth were somehow ideal for us. No one is helping us live, and someday we will all die and destruct. The sun will go out and we will freeze to death and starve. There are no miracles."
January 29th 2004
-Compare yourself to your favorite animal.
"My favorite animal is probably a turtle. I'm not as slow as some turtles, and not as fast as others. I'm not really green or brown. I don't have a shell, but I am very shy."
February 2nd 2004
-What kind of parent do you think you will be?
"How should I know? I certainly hope I won't be abusive. I probably won't even be a parent. When I consider what my parents went through... no."
February 19th 2004
-What do you worry about and why?
"I worry about a lot of things, big and small. For instance, if I have to give an oral report, of course I worry. But I also worry about things like when the sun burns out, the world will die and no one will live. I have bigger concerns, though."
February 26th 2004
-What are the biggest time wasters in your life?
"In my life? Life itself is a pure waste of time!"
February 27th 2004
-What are you thankful for today?
[blank]
April 14th 2004
-Is there life after death?
"God, I sure hope not. Once this life is over, I hope I don't have to endure anything else. Life sucks."
April 20th 2004
-What do you think your parents felt like at your age?
"I don't know and I don't care. Hopefully better than me."
Actually, April 20th was the day I tried to kill myself.
You hear people talk about planning it out. For weeks, even months ahead of time, they knew what day they were going to do it. I didn't really have the date planned out, but I knew how I was going to do it.
For months and months I traced over the veins in my wrists with pencils, pens, and my fingers. Some days when no one was watching, I'd take scissors or a knife or a razor and just lightly trace the veins, without pushing down very hard. I liked the feeling it gave me. I drew tons of pictures of people doing it. I thought about it all the time.
That year, we had an "integrated unit" of math and mythology, so that meant lots of little photocopied books with mythology stories in them. I liked to mess with the little cartoon characters. I'd take a red pen and carve lines and words into their skin, pretending it was mine. I'd gouge out their eyes and slit their throats. They would bleed from the mouth and every place I would cut them. I even showed these to some other people. My closest friends didn't say much about it, but I could tell they were a little worried. Most boys I showed the drawings to thought they were "awesome" and borrowed them to show their friends.
A teacher, Mr. Daniel, saw some once. It was on a trip down to a museum in Santa Fe or Albuquerque. On the long ride down, I was working on some. He asked to see them, and I let him. I didn't care. He was visibly bothered.
"Are you seeing anyone about these?" he asked. I just laughed.
For all of my 5th grade year and most of my 6th, I never told anybody how bad I was feeling. Nobody.
But one day in February 2004, I was watching TV. One of those ads came on, featuring a student that had benefited from the state's lottery money. She said, "Hi, my name is Sarah and I work with depressed kids." Something just clicked and I started to cry and I couldn't stop. My mom was very confused, and since I was too choked up to tell her what was wrong, she told me to go take a shower, to see if it would calm me down. It didn't really, but I was able to tell her and my dad that I was depressed. Looking back I don't think I emphasized the "suicidal" part nearly as much as I should have.
My mom took me to see a doctor here in town. He prescribed me 10 mg of Prozac. Okay, to begin with, I think Prozac is a shitty drug. But I'll also tell you, at present, I take about 1060 mg of meds a day, so that measly 10 mg wasn't gonna do shit.
This is also where therapy came into the picture. My mom took me to see a therapist in Las Vegas, Judy. Well, maybe it was just because it was my first therapist,but I really disliked her. It was the first time somebody actually made me talk about how bad I was feeling, and I didn't like it.
By about the 2nd visit, she had assessed that I was definitely at risk for hurting myself, so she wrote out a little "contract" on a sheet of paper. It said that I would not hurt myself unless I called her and talked to her first. I signed it and she made a copy. She gave me the original and told me to keep it- that it was important. I dunno, it was in the pocket of a pair of jeans. I haven't seen it since.
But on the 20th of April, I got to school. We always had homeroom first, and in my homeroom, we couldn't talk- we could read or draw (or sleep!) so that morning I started to draw. I wasn't paying much attention to what I was drawing, so when I sort of woke up and really looked at the picture, I saw it was a girl with a knife. Wearing the same clothes I was wearing that day. I smiled.
I then drew a figure next to the girl in the picture. It was lying down, beside a knife and a pool of blood. It was dead, and it was me. That's when I knew. I knew it was the day.
I hardly remember anything from that day of school, just an overwhelming feeling of relief.
When my mom came and picked me up that day, she could tell something was wrong. "Are you okay?" she asked a couple times. Every time she asked, I just smiled and told her I was fine.
When we got home, I waited until no one was in the room, and grabbed a knife from the kitchen. I had big pockets, so I stuck it in one, but I kept my hand on it. My mom came back in the room and invited me to stay downstairs and watch Oprah with her, like we often did, but I refused. She gave me a hug and I gave her a one-armed hug back, since my other hand was still on the knife.
I went up to my room and closed the door. I sat down on my bed, holding the knife. I sat there for a few minutes. By then I was pretty much out of it. I started to trace the veins, like always. Then I started to push harder. The skin turned white from pressure, but the knife wasn't cutting. I did my best to make the knife work, but it was clear I had chosen a very, very dull one. I wasn't entirely with it, so I thought I would go back downstairs and grab a different one. I forgot about my mom. When I got downstairs, there she was. There was a split second when nobody moved, nobody spoke, nobody breathed. But then she ran over to me, pushing me into the kitchen, taking the knife from my hand and wrapping a towel around my wrist. We both sat down, rocking back and forth, and she asked over and over, "Why, Sarah? Why?"
And I couldn't answer her.
The cut wasn't awful so she drove me to the doctor's office. When the nurse asked me why I was there, I just showed her my wrist. "Why did you do that?!" she demanded.
I couldn't answer her.
The doctor had me checked into the hospital, mainly so I would be under 24 hour surveillance. They had me change into hospital dress, and sit in a bed in a room. I remember nurses coming in and bandaging up my arm, and the doctor coming back to check on me. I remember taking a shower, with someone checking on me every two minutes.
One of the nurses there was the mother of one of the kids in my grade. She was very nice to me but then went home and told her kid all about it, and that's how the school found out.
That hospital was where some of the most awkward conversations of my life took place. What can you say to all your family when they come and visit you, there, for that reason?
The only non-family visitor I had was Mr. Daniel, my science teacher. We are still friends to this day.
I was in the hospital a few days. My family always tried to have someone with me at all times- my mom curled up in a chair; my dad stretched out on the floor.
After I got out of the hospital, I stayed home for a day or two. One of my closest friends called me:
"Hey!! What are you doing?" she asked cheerfully.
"Uhh, not too much... what about you?"
"Not much.. hey, I was wondering, do you have the date of the band concert?"
"No, I don't think so, sorry."
"Oh, that's okay, I was just wondering."
"Oh."
"Yeah... hey, I miss you at school."
"Yeah, sorry about that, I should be back pretty soon."
"Good! Good...." here there was a long silence. "There's been some crazy rumors going around about you."
"Oh yeah?" I did my best to sound light, uncaring.
"Yeah... somebody's been saying that you tried to kill yourself by slitting your wrists."
And then I had to tell one of my best friends in the whole world that the rumors were true; that I had tried to do that. That still hurts.
When I got back to school, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing:
"Where's your razor blade, Sarah?"
"Did you really try you hang yourself?"
"Did you really cut yourself 13 times?"
"What a freak."
I wore a wristband over it, but people still stared and asked to see it. My therapist, Judy, heard about it and sent us a refund. I got a new psychiatrist in Pueblo, who's only answer was to "Raise the Prozac!"
Then, I got a new therapist, Loanne. We got a long pretty well, SO much better than Judy and I. She asked me to sign a contract, like Judy had done. I hesitated, then told her the truth: I didn't think I could. So she called my mom into the room and told us both that the best place for me, the safest place for me, was Parkview Medical Center, a mental hospital/rehab place for teens, and that's where I went.
To be admitted there, I had to be driven there in a police car after surrendering anything on my person considered sharp or dangerous. Once there, they have to push a button in order for the door to open for access into the building. They let me keep my clothes, but I had to keep my shoes with laces outside in the hall at night when I wasn't wearing them. I had stuff for my pimples, but they kept it at the front desk because it was "too risky".
I had a roommate, Jessica, who was there for depression and eating disorders. We got released on the same day and she gave me some stickers. I still have them.
There were about 10 kids there while I was and we all got to know each other pretty well, because when you're in a place like that, basically all you do is talk. Talk about your issues, talk about theirs, talk about shared issues. If you don't like to talk about yourself, you're pretty much screwed.
I just HATED it there. I was scared and lonely and as unhappy as could be. I got out after a week because I did my best to convince my doctors I was cured and perfectly good to go. I would have said ANYTHING to get out.
But I really didn't feel any better. Not at all. I went back to school and it was hell. It was like everything was closing in again and it sucked.
Then! One day after school, my mom wanted to go see something. She had heard from someone that there was the tiniest, cutest puppy at the Animal Hospital. The puppy had been abandoned at birth, left to die. She made it, though. We went to see her. She was even smaller than I could have imagined, a potato-sized dog. She needed a home and I got to keep her. She saved my life.
We named her Otis, for no real reason- my sister, Elizabeth, suggested it and it just fit. I was in such a low place, I didn't have anything to live for. But then she came.
We had to feed her from a bottle every couple of hours. We had to help her to the the bathroom. We had to keep her warm and safe. She slept in a box by my bed and woke me up at about 6 am every morning with her crying. It was summer, but I didn't care. Not one bit.
I've had so many ups and downs, it's been crazy. They finally figured out that I'm bipolar. 7th grade was a pleasant surprise after 5th and 6th. I got even closer to my old friends and made new ones too. I started dying my hair. I joined an awesome band. 8th grade was pretty good too, but my Freshman year has been amazing. I'm really starting to feel happy with myself and my life.
______________________________________________________________________
Truth be told, I've had quite a few ups and downs since then, but now I'm doing extremely well! Like I said, I will soon be writing another blog, celebrating the ten years it's been, but I just wanted to put this up first, for those of you who didn't know my story.
I know it was really long and not very cheerful but it's a huge part of my life and has helped shape the person I am today.
Thanks for reading!
Sarah (and Otis!)
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Did I Mention the Coke Machine Steals Money, Too?
Close to a year ago, I wrote a blog with a couple random stories and anecdotes from working in the greenhouse at Records ACE Hardware in Raton, New Mexico:
http://jesusbeanlaiho.blogspot.com/2013/05/greenhouse-happenings.html
Well, it's probably time to do one about working inside the store!
http://jesusbeanlaiho.blogspot.com/2013/05/greenhouse-happenings.html
Well, it's probably time to do one about working inside the store!
- Being located where the ACE store is, we deal with a lot of animal life, both outside...
and in!
and of course, the animal in charge of it all...
- Like all places of business, our customers sometimes accidentally leave things behind: debit cards and reading glasses on the checkout counter, car keys on the shelves, coats in the restroom etc., etc. However, one day a rather unusual item was found left in the shovel/rake aisle: a large pair of women's pants! I wish I could explain, but we're still not quite sure what happened...
- It's not uncommon for customers to ask lots of questions about rental equipment or occasionally bicker over pricing, but several weeks ago I had a customer come in who tried to argue with me over what equipment we actually rent!
An older lady came in and asked to rent a chainsaw. I think many years ago we used to rent them, but we don't anymore so I told her, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't rent chainsaws."
She looked at me critically and said, "What do you mean, you don't rent chainsaws?"
Unsure of how exactly to answer that any more clearly, I reached over the counter and picked one of our rental brochures from the pile and handed it to her. "I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't rent chainsaws any more, but here's a list of all the equipment we do rent, with their prices."
With an annoyed sigh, she opened the brochure, then flipped it over. She then looked at me and gave me an odd smile. She slowly and clearly said, "All of this rental equipment and you don't rent chainsaws...?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, no. We do sell them, though, and I can get one of the guys from the back to help you if you'd like to look at---" Here I was interrupted by a triumphant cackle.
"HA! CHAINSAW! Chainsaw! Right there!!" she exclaimed, with her finger jabbed at the word on the back of the brochure.
"Well, chainsaw sharpen---" I began timidly.
"Oh...Chainsaw sharpening, $5.00," she read. "Well, yeah, I guess, let me go look at what you've got for sale," she said, and took off towards the saws.
I'm still not exactly sure what she thought would happen: I would sigh in defeat, admit it was all a ruse, and rent her the saw? Hmm. - Every new year, ACE sends us a bunch of free calendars to hand out to customers that, in addition to lots of free advertising, provide a monthly bargain. They're really not very exciting, but hey, they're free! Several mornings ago, the phone rang, I answered it, and the caller asked to please speak to a manager. We were pretty busy so I transferred the call and promptly forgot about it. When lunch time came around, I went up front on the hardware side of the store to get some cokes from the machine for my dad and me. Samantha, one of our managers, saw me and grinned.
"Sarah, you remember the caller who wanted a manager? Do you know what she was calling about?"
"I have no idea," I admitted.
"She was calling to complain about our free calendar," she laughed. "Apparently it didn't include phases of the moon."
I just stared at her.
"Yep. Apparently last year's had them and she's pretty disappointed..."
"Damn free calendar" I muttered.
"Your uncle says he thinks something can be arranged..." she said with a chuckle.
So I will say here and now: the free ACE calendars are not very exciting and they don't have the damn phases of the moon! I work there and I didn't even want one... I have a Big Bang Theory calendar. And a Hobbit one. They both have the moon phases! I guess you get what you pay for... - The coke machine I just mentioned in the above paragraph is, at best, temperamental. Also, the Coke guy who is supposed to come all the time to fill it only comes when we beg him. We all get kind of desperate when all that's left in the machine is a few bottles of weird Powerade. But like I said, even when the machine is completely full it's iffy. In fact, when business is slow, the cashiers on the hardware side like to watch people when they try to buy drinks. Often, the machine will do this thing where you enter the money, hit the button and the machine starts to rumble promisingly.. but just as the bottle should roll down where you can grab it, the machine makes an unhealthy lurching sound and gives you the error message. When this happens, the employees all throw up their hands and groan comically.
- On my afternoon breaks, I sometimes sit at my dads computer at the parts counter and play Reversi online. Let me just say, I used to KICK ASS at that game. Anymore, well... eh, not so much. I was playing today and my dad came back, sat next to me and watched for a minute.
"Who are you playing?" he asked conversationally.
I consulted the screen. "A Portuguese beginner."
"Hmm...What color are you?"
I gave a barely perceptible pause. "White."
"Ouch," he offered cheerfully. I didn't dignify that with an answer.
A moment later, the game ended. Abysmally. I started a new game and turned to him. "Now I'm playing a Greek beginner. You know, I used to be great at this game!"
"Well the Portuguese guy sure kicked your butt," he commented. "How are you doing this time? Not so well, I'd say.."
"Well, you know, when you first start a game, sometimes it's good to have less pieces. So then you can get more. And it's really better in the long run. And. And. I'm just making this up. I'm already losing..." I admitted with a sigh.
My dad has this particular laugh he uses when I say something so completely idiotic or dorky that it couldn't possibly be funny, but it somehow still is. Like when I pull Betty's tail under my nose and say, "Dad, I 'mustache' you a question." Or when I tell him a joke like, "Past, present and future all walked into a room, and man, was it tense!" The laugh is somewhere between a chuckle and a snort of derision.
Anyway, he gave his laugh then, smacked me lightly on the head and went back to work in an aisle a few feet away. I then somehow managed to turn the game around and win. I excitedly raised my voice and hollered, "Dad! I beat the Greek guy!"
After a moment's pause, his voice floated over the shelves: "Sure you did...."
Thanks for that vote of confidence, Dad...
Please note: the photos of the deer, bear, and skunk came directly from Records ACE Hardware's Facebook page...
Hey! Why not like us on Facebook?
Haaaa! I've always wanted to say that!
Sarah
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
25 Things about Emmy!
Tomorrow is my sister's 25th birthday, so here is a list of 25 things about her!
1. Elizabeth Marie Record was born on January 22nd, 1989. It was Super Bowl Sunday (San Francisco 49ers defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 20 to 16) and my dad bought a pizza which the nurses promptly devoured.
2. Most call her Elizabeth, a few call her Liz, and some of us (mostly family) call her Emmy.
3. She has been dating David for over four years now and they both constantly inviting me to hang out with them and eat dinner with them and go to the movies with them. It would be hard to come up with two cooler or nicer people.
4. Some people say that she and I look very much alike but we just don't really see it...
5. She shares a birthday with Guy Fieri, Steven Adler, and Sir Francis Bacon! Wow!
6. She is very much an animal person. Currently she and David have two cats, Flo (Gordo!) and Beans, and one dog, Pickles.
7. In Mid- and High-school band, she played the french horn (first chair!) and now has her own, which her cats are none-too pleased about. Between the French Horn and the vacuum cleaner they really have a stressful life.
8. She is a notary public! I still have her original stamp.
9. She is the fastest reader I know. She can seriously crank out a 700 page novel in a few hours.
10. Without her, I might never have been introduced to The Big Bang Theory and The Office, which would be terrible! Every so often she texts me random quotes from Dwight Schrute. Her latest: "R is the most menacing sound in the English language. That's why it's called 'murder' and not 'muk-duk'."
11. Years and years ago she and I had a run-in that is still a family controversy. Not wanting to sway you one way or another, here are the facts:
12. When and if I ever get a book written, I'm fairly certain she'll be the first to read it.
13. She has seriously awesome taste in music, movies and books.
14. She and I have a running argument about the lyrics in Mulan's "I'll Make a Man Out of You".
15. When I was really little my favorite movie was The Swan Princess. Emmy and I watched it semi-recently and she pointed out that the reason we never hear about Princess Odette's mother is most likely because, "Her mom was probably a... concubine or something." Thanks, Em. That movie will never be the same now :P
16. She HATES fish.
17. She named Otis!
18. She was the foster-mom of my three black cats. If she hadn't volunteered, I probably never would have met Sheldon, Amy and Three!
19. When we met Escape the Fate at Warped Tour, Craig Mabbitt told her that the Aerosmith shirt she was wearing was the coolest he'd seen that whole tour.
20. At Crue-Fest my friend and I were too shy to go talk to DJ Ashba but Emmy dragged us down there and pushed us towards him, getting this priceless picture!!!
21. She is absolutely one of my best friends in the world. I'm so glad I have her to get over the hard times and enjoy the good times with.
22. Sure we squabble over stupid stuff sometimes, but she's always the first to stand up for me when people give me a hard time or make me upset.
23. Emmy has had a few different health problems, but she's not a complainer.
24. She loves to travel! Most of the time it's pretty hard having our mom on the other side of the country but it sure gives us a good reason to go cool places like West Virginia and Gettysburg! I just hope by the next time we go out there the water is a little cleaner! :)
24. She is great with people! She's polite and friendly and calm. I wish I could be that way.
25. I asked her the other day if she's looking forward to her birthday and she said, "No, not really.." Well, I'm excited for her! So everybody let's make this a good birthday for her! She's worth celebrating :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Love,
SaSa
1. Elizabeth Marie Record was born on January 22nd, 1989. It was Super Bowl Sunday (San Francisco 49ers defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 20 to 16) and my dad bought a pizza which the nurses promptly devoured.
2. Most call her Elizabeth, a few call her Liz, and some of us (mostly family) call her Emmy.
3. She has been dating David for over four years now and they both constantly inviting me to hang out with them and eat dinner with them and go to the movies with them. It would be hard to come up with two cooler or nicer people.
4. Some people say that she and I look very much alike but we just don't really see it...
5. She shares a birthday with Guy Fieri, Steven Adler, and Sir Francis Bacon! Wow!
6. She is very much an animal person. Currently she and David have two cats, Flo (Gordo!) and Beans, and one dog, Pickles.
7. In Mid- and High-school band, she played the french horn (first chair!) and now has her own, which her cats are none-too pleased about. Between the French Horn and the vacuum cleaner they really have a stressful life.
8. She is a notary public! I still have her original stamp.
9. She is the fastest reader I know. She can seriously crank out a 700 page novel in a few hours.
10. Without her, I might never have been introduced to The Big Bang Theory and The Office, which would be terrible! Every so often she texts me random quotes from Dwight Schrute. Her latest: "R is the most menacing sound in the English language. That's why it's called 'murder' and not 'muk-duk'."
11. Years and years ago she and I had a run-in that is still a family controversy. Not wanting to sway you one way or another, here are the facts:
- She and I were home alone, our parents at work
- She and I got in a fight
- I am terrified of spiders
- She knows this
- I went to get my crayons from my backpack
- There was a huge spider on my backpack
Coincidence? I think not. But she maintains she was innocent. We may never know the truth about Spidergate...
12. When and if I ever get a book written, I'm fairly certain she'll be the first to read it.
13. She has seriously awesome taste in music, movies and books.
14. She and I have a running argument about the lyrics in Mulan's "I'll Make a Man Out of You".
"Be a man!!/We are men!!" We may never know...
16. She HATES fish.
17. She named Otis!
18. She was the foster-mom of my three black cats. If she hadn't volunteered, I probably never would have met Sheldon, Amy and Three!
19. When we met Escape the Fate at Warped Tour, Craig Mabbitt told her that the Aerosmith shirt she was wearing was the coolest he'd seen that whole tour.
20. At Crue-Fest my friend and I were too shy to go talk to DJ Ashba but Emmy dragged us down there and pushed us towards him, getting this priceless picture!!!
21. She is absolutely one of my best friends in the world. I'm so glad I have her to get over the hard times and enjoy the good times with.
22. Sure we squabble over stupid stuff sometimes, but she's always the first to stand up for me when people give me a hard time or make me upset.
23. Emmy has had a few different health problems, but she's not a complainer.
24. She loves to travel! Most of the time it's pretty hard having our mom on the other side of the country but it sure gives us a good reason to go cool places like West Virginia and Gettysburg! I just hope by the next time we go out there the water is a little cleaner! :)
24. She is great with people! She's polite and friendly and calm. I wish I could be that way.
25. I asked her the other day if she's looking forward to her birthday and she said, "No, not really.." Well, I'm excited for her! So everybody let's make this a good birthday for her! She's worth celebrating :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Love,
SaSa
Monday, December 16, 2013
A Fact for Every Year
It is my 22nd birthday. Here are 22 random facts about me!
1. I was supposed to be a boy. Though my parents requested my gender remain a surprise, the doctor heavily hinted that they would soon have a son. They even picked out my name, Timothy. Hey, what can I say? Doctors can be very wrong apparently. But just think: in some alternate universe, you're reading your good friend Tim's blog.
2. I am extremely afraid of police officers but there is one crime that I constantly commit and cannot stop doing- jaywalking!
3. I read constantly and love many, many books but if I had to pick a favorite I'd have to say A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by Betty Smith.
4. I also have two LEAST favorite books. One, Where The Red Fern Grows, I despise because I cannot read the end without literally sobbing. SPOILER ALERT: The dogs die and it's horrible. The other is The Last Song, my first and last attempt at a Nicholas Sparks novel. Long-winded, gag-worthy, religious and preachy. Plus, the only character I enjoy and find interesting is thrown in jail about halfway through.
5. I have several secret talents and abilities, like extinguishing a lit match in my mouth and bending my index finger so far back that it touches the back of my hand.
6. If I'm watching a DVD and it has subtitles, I put them on. Always.
7. I have a tendency to get certain songs and jingles stuck in my head for extremely long periods of time. Literally years. Like for about two and a half years I had "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on repeat. Currently, it's the Meow Mix Jingle. It goes:
I like tuna, I like chicken
Meow Mix flavors keep me lickin'
I like chicken, I like liver
Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver
So much talking, want more eating
Meow, meow, meow, meow, please, please feed me
You're welcome.
8. While not a gifted dancer, I am proficient in three dance crazes: the Macarena, the Hand Jive, and the Chicken Dance.
9. Many years ago I attempted to read the dictionary. If memory serves, I made it to the T's before giving up.
10. I love beef ramen noodles. Delicious, easy and satisfying.
11. I find pickles revolting. My sister likes to eat them at the movies, especially when sitting right next to me.
12. Many years ago, I learned how to speak Elvish. While I don't remember much, I do know enough to understand several words when spoken onscreen in the LOTR and Hobbit movies. Also, for whatever reason there's an Elvish poem that I memorized a very long time ago but still remember and sometimes recite it to myself when I'm nervous. Would you like to hear it? (I gave the spelling my best guess)
Ai lintulinda lasselanta
Pelingeve suwyer nalla ganta
Kuluvi ya carnivalinar
Vemette singi Eldamar
In the case of this poem, I remember the words but not a lot of the meanings. I recall that it is about autumn and of course the elves themselves, made obvious by the capitalization of the last word and also because "elda" is one translation of "elf". I believe "Eldamar" actually translates to "Elf-home".
Anyway.
13. Although I listen to a much larger variety of music now, I still maintain that Children of Bodom is one of my favorite bands, if not my favorite. For years and years I refused to pick a favorite COB song, partly because I loved so many and partly because it felt wrong choosing only one. But here and now I will state that "Chokehold (Cocked 'n' Loaded)" off Hate Crew Deathroll is my favorite COB song.
14. I met Children of Bodom at a meet and greet in a Hot Topic store before they preformed that night at the Sunshine Theater in Albuquerque. I was wearing a COB shirt that had Finnish on the back and I could not for the life of me figure out what it meant so I asked the band. They all kind of looked at each other and finally said, "It's just a road sign in Finland." THIS VERY NIGHT that I'm writing this blog I was looking up the shirt and I finally figured it out. Roughly translated, my shirt said, "Retards Ahead."
15. Abraham Lincoln is my favorite President of the United States.
16. Excluding living things, my digital camera is probably my most valued possession.
17. I have never broken a bone.
18. My wisdom teeth came in sideways so they put me out to extract the teeth. When I woke up I was in this bizarre panic, basically fell out of the chair and haphazardly ran across the lobby while the dentist and nurses chased me.
19. I am not a hugger.
20. I recently heard they're trying to bring Furbys back and this worries me because just about every kid I've ever known who had one has a story about waking up in the middle of the night to find their Furby wide-awake and talking to them. Creepy.
21. My sister was recently kicked by a reindeer :)
22. If you know one thing about it, let it be this: I'M OBSESSED WITH A DOG NAMED OTIS.
Happy birthday to me!
Sarah
1. I was supposed to be a boy. Though my parents requested my gender remain a surprise, the doctor heavily hinted that they would soon have a son. They even picked out my name, Timothy. Hey, what can I say? Doctors can be very wrong apparently. But just think: in some alternate universe, you're reading your good friend Tim's blog.
2. I am extremely afraid of police officers but there is one crime that I constantly commit and cannot stop doing- jaywalking!
3. I read constantly and love many, many books but if I had to pick a favorite I'd have to say A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by Betty Smith.
4. I also have two LEAST favorite books. One, Where The Red Fern Grows, I despise because I cannot read the end without literally sobbing. SPOILER ALERT: The dogs die and it's horrible. The other is The Last Song, my first and last attempt at a Nicholas Sparks novel. Long-winded, gag-worthy, religious and preachy. Plus, the only character I enjoy and find interesting is thrown in jail about halfway through.
5. I have several secret talents and abilities, like extinguishing a lit match in my mouth and bending my index finger so far back that it touches the back of my hand.
6. If I'm watching a DVD and it has subtitles, I put them on. Always.
7. I have a tendency to get certain songs and jingles stuck in my head for extremely long periods of time. Literally years. Like for about two and a half years I had "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on repeat. Currently, it's the Meow Mix Jingle. It goes:
I like tuna, I like chicken
Meow Mix flavors keep me lickin'
I like chicken, I like liver
Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver
So much talking, want more eating
Meow, meow, meow, meow, please, please feed me
You're welcome.
8. While not a gifted dancer, I am proficient in three dance crazes: the Macarena, the Hand Jive, and the Chicken Dance.
9. Many years ago I attempted to read the dictionary. If memory serves, I made it to the T's before giving up.
10. I love beef ramen noodles. Delicious, easy and satisfying.
11. I find pickles revolting. My sister likes to eat them at the movies, especially when sitting right next to me.
12. Many years ago, I learned how to speak Elvish. While I don't remember much, I do know enough to understand several words when spoken onscreen in the LOTR and Hobbit movies. Also, for whatever reason there's an Elvish poem that I memorized a very long time ago but still remember and sometimes recite it to myself when I'm nervous. Would you like to hear it? (I gave the spelling my best guess)
Ai lintulinda lasselanta
Pelingeve suwyer nalla ganta
Kuluvi ya carnivalinar
Vemette singi Eldamar
In the case of this poem, I remember the words but not a lot of the meanings. I recall that it is about autumn and of course the elves themselves, made obvious by the capitalization of the last word and also because "elda" is one translation of "elf". I believe "Eldamar" actually translates to "Elf-home".
Anyway.
13. Although I listen to a much larger variety of music now, I still maintain that Children of Bodom is one of my favorite bands, if not my favorite. For years and years I refused to pick a favorite COB song, partly because I loved so many and partly because it felt wrong choosing only one. But here and now I will state that "Chokehold (Cocked 'n' Loaded)" off Hate Crew Deathroll is my favorite COB song.
14. I met Children of Bodom at a meet and greet in a Hot Topic store before they preformed that night at the Sunshine Theater in Albuquerque. I was wearing a COB shirt that had Finnish on the back and I could not for the life of me figure out what it meant so I asked the band. They all kind of looked at each other and finally said, "It's just a road sign in Finland." THIS VERY NIGHT that I'm writing this blog I was looking up the shirt and I finally figured it out. Roughly translated, my shirt said, "Retards Ahead."
15. Abraham Lincoln is my favorite President of the United States.
16. Excluding living things, my digital camera is probably my most valued possession.
17. I have never broken a bone.
18. My wisdom teeth came in sideways so they put me out to extract the teeth. When I woke up I was in this bizarre panic, basically fell out of the chair and haphazardly ran across the lobby while the dentist and nurses chased me.
19. I am not a hugger.
20. I recently heard they're trying to bring Furbys back and this worries me because just about every kid I've ever known who had one has a story about waking up in the middle of the night to find their Furby wide-awake and talking to them. Creepy.
21. My sister was recently kicked by a reindeer :)
22. If you know one thing about it, let it be this: I'M OBSESSED WITH A DOG NAMED OTIS.
Happy birthday to me!
Sarah
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Am I Cool or What!!
The answer, of course, is "what".
For a couple years now, there's been this fad going around where people embrace the phrase "NO REGRETS". Make it their life motto! What's done is done, no use fretting about it anymore.
I have two big problems with this:
1. I think it's kind of unrealistic and possibly even foolish. Learn from your mistakes! Become a better, more informed person by studying your past and correcting it! ...but more importantly:
2. I'm just bitter because I am completely unable to do this
Anyway for no particular reason I've compiled a small list of things that I've done which, at the time, I thought were way cool or clever or badass and now, while I may not exactly regret them, I see how nerdy they really were...
1. What seems to be a very long time ago, a film came out: Titanic, you may have heard of it? Anyway when it became available for home viewing, my parents bought it- it came on two videotapes (told you it was a long time ago!) and we watched it together. I remember being scared by all the running-from-the-water scenes and the horrible deaths. Other than that, I just remember being pretty confused. There were adult themes and jokes and words that I just didn't get, but I did pick some of it up without even realizing it. For example, one day I was at home with my mom and she needed to call the Presbyterian Church. She handed me the phone and had me dial the phone number while she read it to me. I dialed, then held the phone up to my ear. It rang once or twice. Suddenly, I flashed back to the movie:
Yep. Seized by the moment, I repeated the line, complete with English accent!
"Pick up, you bastards!"
Needless to say, my mom let out a hysterical giggle and lunged for the phone. Fortunately no one had picked up so no damage had been done, plus I learned that "bastards" is one of those words you really shouldn't say, especially at church.
"Hey, Sarah! What's up?"
I would dramatically look up, over my head and say, "The sky."
To me, it was like:
To them, of course, it was like:
For a couple years now, there's been this fad going around where people embrace the phrase "NO REGRETS". Make it their life motto! What's done is done, no use fretting about it anymore.
I have two big problems with this:
1. I think it's kind of unrealistic and possibly even foolish. Learn from your mistakes! Become a better, more informed person by studying your past and correcting it! ...but more importantly:
2. I'm just bitter because I am completely unable to do this
Anyway for no particular reason I've compiled a small list of things that I've done which, at the time, I thought were way cool or clever or badass and now, while I may not exactly regret them, I see how nerdy they really were...
(Just watch the first 20 seconds or so)
Yep. Seized by the moment, I repeated the line, complete with English accent!
"Pick up, you bastards!"
Needless to say, my mom let out a hysterical giggle and lunged for the phone. Fortunately no one had picked up so no damage had been done, plus I learned that "bastards" is one of those words you really shouldn't say, especially at church.
"Hey, Sarah! What's up?"
I would dramatically look up, over my head and say, "The sky."
To me, it was like:
To them, of course, it was like:
3. One of my finer qualities is my spelling ability. It probably comes from excessive reading and writing. All I know is, sometimes I feel like my brain was made with a Spell Check. Only fair considering I was ripped off in the mathematics department.
In 5th grade I participated in the Spelling Bee. For weeks before the actual Bee, we would practice for half an hour or so everyday in class. If you are unfamiliar with the rules of spelling bees, I will tell you that when given a word, you are allowed to ask for the word given in a sentence and also, for the definition of the word. Just about everybody knows these two options are just for buying time, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, during the spelling bee practices, the class would stand up in a line and have a mini-bee. When buying time, my classmates would ask, "Could I have the definition please?" and then, one day, I shook up the whole thing. It was absolute chaos!! I said, "Could you define that for me?"
BAM!
Like I said, it was crazy. After that, everyone used my version of the question. It was like:
Anyway, during the spelling bee practices, the class would stand up in a line and have a mini-bee. When buying time, my classmates would ask, "Could I have the definition please?" and then, one day, I shook up the whole thing. It was absolute chaos!! I said, "Could you define that for me?"
BAM!
Like I said, it was crazy. After that, everyone used my version of the question. It was like:
I've just realized I have way too many of these "moments" for one blog...
Keep your eye out for Part 2!!
Happy December!
Sarah
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