Change!

At the rental counter at work, we have an appointment book that we keep all of the rental reservations in. We write down names, phone numbers, equipment, times, etc., and when someone picks up the equipment or calls to cancel, we highlight the reservation. It's also a handy place to write notes and doodles and it tends to get torn, dirty, and kind of greasy. Suffice it to say, it's pretty heavily used and by the end of every year it looks pretty rough.

As you've probably noticed, we're just about at the end of 2014! So close to the new year, in fact, that today we finally switched out our old appointment book for a new one. Business has been kind of slow lately and today as I was up at the front counter by myself, I looked down into our trash can and spied the old book. On an impulse, I leaned over and fished it out of the can. I used my hand to brush some dirt off the front cover and let it fall open to the middle of April. It was full! It felt funny to be in the dead of winter looking back at the busy spring. I flipped through the pages, meandering through the year. Even though we do hundreds and hundreds of rentals each year, I could still remember some of the specific rentals written down in the book! Looking more closely, I noticed that earlier in the year we had reservations for one or two people that aren't even alive anymore. It's kind of crazy how much can change in such a short amount of time.

Logically, there was absolutely no reason to keep the book. We no longer need the information it holds! But a nostalgic part of me objected- to see a whole year summarized in one simple log! Names and dates and memories. So when it was time to go home, I saved the book from the trash and tucked it away with my ACE apron, in the crook of my arm. And it got me thinking about change!

With every new year comes some change, but this year is especially full of transitions for me. I'd say the number one change is that my sister is moving to Albuquerque, to go to school. She has already begun packing and moving into her new apartment, and soon I will be leaving the house I have been living in to live in her old house. But the biggest change is yet to come- learning to live with her so far away! She is my best friend and I'm going to miss her terribly! But we can always text and email and visit each other often. I really am so proud of her for going after what she wants. It is a hard, brave thing to pick up and move and start something completely new! But she has always been brave and strong. She will do great!

Another change I've experienced lately is somewhat subtler, but still hard. About a week ago my Grandma had to put down her dog, Earl. He was old and sick and in pain, and it was time. But it was still so hard, on my Grandma especially, but on the rest of the family too. In our minds, Earl has always been strongly linked to my Grandpa, and to lose Earl was kind of like losing one last living part of him.

There's something I've been wanting to talk about in a blog for a while, but I tend to beat around the bush. It might bother or anger some people, but this is my blog, dammit! Haha! Here goes: I don't believe in God. I don't know exactly when I realized it... I used to go to church and Sunday School sometimes. And when I became so horribly depressed I remember hating the idea of God, because why on earth would he do something so awful to me, when I had done nothing wrong? I guess I realized I didn't believe in him when all that anger drained away and I realized it wasn't because I "forgave" him, but because I don't believe he is out there at all. Some people seem to find solace and comfort in the idea that "God" is out there, watching them, controlling every aspect of their lives. Personally, I find MUCH more comfort in the idea that it's up to me! I do what I do because I want to, I CHOOSE to, and when awful things out of my control happen to me, I control how to react. When I need help, I ask for it! Not from God, but from my family and medical professionals and my dog, people who really can help me.

That being said, I do feel like there is some sort of afterlife.... not a "heaven", obviously, where St. Peter bounces you out if you did something wrong, but something more complicated and intricate than that. It is basic science that nothing ever disappears, it just changes form, and I think that applies to life. I don't believe in the Halloween kind of "ghosts" that look like someone wearing a bed sheet, running around shouting "BOO", but I do think humans leave bits of themselves behind them when they die, in visible and invisible ways; some ways we can sense and some ways we will never fully understand. And I don't believe in "immortality" in the sense of the Fountain of Youth, where someone literally lives forever, but I do think people can achieve immortality through memories and words and actions.

So, when my Grandpa died, it was so hard to learn to live without him being physically here, but I don't think he ever completely left us. He lives on in his American flag, and in his wife and sons he loved so dearly, and in my thoughts when I play poker, and down at the ACE greenhouse on beautiful spring days.

And he lived on in Earl. So losing Earl was SO hard, but it comforts me to think that now my Grandpa and his dog are in the same place, the same state of existence, and I like to think that, though it's in a different way, they're still here with us.

I didn't intend to get quite that deep in this blog, sorry. Haha!

Anyway... change. I don't like it. I never have! I'm sort of a boring person... I like routine! It makes me feel comfortable. But the only predictable thing about life IS change, so I gotta deal with it.

And since New Years always sparks change, I've given thought to New Year's Resolutions, and, though nothing groundbreaking, I came up with one: I resolve that by the beginning of 2016 I will have AT LEAST a very rough draft of my first book. I resolve to write more! On my book ideas and blogs. I love writing and I think I'm decent at it, and I love the idea of being able to reach out and touch people with my words. I hope you'll all support me! :)

Another, less serious New Year's Resolution is to expand my Chinese vocabulary by studying fortune cookies! You know, how on the opposite side of your actual fortune they have words or phrases in Chinese? I've got a few down!
"Bah-shee"= Bus
"Bing"= Disease
"Dou-ya"= Bean sprout

Well, that's what I THINK those words mean anyway. It's a definite possibility some prankster with a wicked sense of humor makes the Chinese words up to confuse clueless people like myself. For all I know "bah-shee!" is an expletive and instead of calling for a bus I'm calling someone a terrible insult...


As for the rental reservation book, I'm sure I will eventually recognize its uselessness and throw it out, but you know what? I'm just not ready to let it go yet.

Have the happiest of new years!! And what are YOUR resolutions?

Sarah