How to Speak Otis

I am going to make a prediction: if you do not know who Otis is or that I love her more than anything, you don't know me at all! And if that is the case, I will tell you- Otis is my dog. She saved my life! She is my best friend.

For your knowledge and entertainment, I have compiled a small list of things Otis and I say to each other constantly, so that you might get a glimpse into our amazing, one-of-a-kind relationship. I think some of these words and phrases are pretty well known and used in most, if not all, pet-owner relationships. Some of them, however, are unique to us.

Human to Dog Translations
(Words I say to her, and her interpretations)

"CHEESEBURGER"- A tantalizing piece of greasy beef hiding in a cocoon of silky, milky American cheese... and two stupid pieces of bread that she only eats because they still taste a little bit like the meat. Should be served with every meal (sans bread, if you please), but isn't because it's "unhealthy" and "will make her fat." Oh, puh-leeeeeeeease.

"CHEW STICK"- Little bones of rawhide goodness! She's only allowed two a day, sadly.

"HURRY UP!"- Sarah says this every time she lets Otis outside- a hint to go ahead and do her business. Also, less delicately: "Go pee pee!"

"HUSH"- Sarah's rude way of hinting it's not necessary to bark or growl at Nacho, the neighbor dog. Or when a doorbell rings on TV. Or when someone drives past the house. Or when the cats get too close to her chew stick.

"I LOVE YOU"- No translation necessary.

"LET'S GO FOR A RIDE!"- A seasoned car-rider, Otis loves going for a drive! She's old now, and can only get her front paws in the car. But Sarah helps her get in by lifting up her backside. Otis loves watching the town fly by and barking at dogs and cats and people, and she gets to ride a lot because Sarah doesn't like going anywhere without her.

"SCOOT SCOOT"- A not-so-subtle hint by Sarah that Otis is taking up wayyyyyyyy more than her fair share of the bed.

"SHOULD WE FEED THE DOG?" An annoying, rhetorical question.

"SQUEAKY!"- Oh, Otis loves her squeakies! When Sarah gets her a new squeaky toy, she cruelly taunts Otis by squeaking it and watching Otis react- Otis tenses up and every time she hears the squeak, she licks her chops. Finally, after seconds of agonizing torture, she finally gets her squeaky and she retreats to a corner of the room to chew on it until it is soggy and bleeding stuffing.

"TIME FOR BED"- Ahhhhhhh! The end of another chaotic, but fun-filled day! The only drama that happens at bed time is when Otis is lying on top of a mound of covers and Sarah tries to discreetly tug them out from under her and Otis gives a growl. But most of the time it's peaceful. Lying the dark, side by side, listening to each other breathing. Sarah likes to pet Otis' soft, silky ears until she falls alseep.

"WOOGIE WOOGIE!"- Woogie woogie is a fantastic, alarming word that tends to make dogs woof and howl! Otis is no exception. Perfect for scaring away deer and Jehovah's Witnesses. Originally penned by Maggie Linsky!

"YOU WANNA GO FOR A WALK?"- A journey into the urban jungle that is Raton! And evokes the emotions of: "Oh. My. Goooodddddddd! I thought we never would! Can we go now? Like, right now? I don't care if you need to put on shoes, LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO! Ahhhh! Look! There's a perfectly good stick just sitting there in the driveway! I'll carry it! Wait, here's a better stick! I'll carry them both! AHH there was a cat! I know we have our own cats, but look! A cat! Ohh! Some people bicycling! I'd better woof at them and scare them! Woof! See that? How scared they were! Ha! Look at those dumb dogs in their fenced in yards! The lowly peons! Serfs! I laugh at them! AHHHH THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!"...
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Dog to Human Translations
(Things she tells me, put into words)

*DOG KISS*- "I love you too."

*EXHALING BRIEFLY BUT FIRMLY*- An indicator of great annoyance! It is designed to show she is on the edge! For instance, if you do not put down her food bowl AT ONCE, shit is gonna go down.

*NUDGE NUDGE WITH HER NOSE*- "Hi, friend."

*THE OAT-HAWK*- The Oat-Hawk is a naturally-occurring phenomenon in which the fur along Otis' spine spikes up, much like a Mow-Hawk, hence the name. I would say it is a great indicator of danger, but she's a little highly strung at times so the Oat Hawk could mean anything from a murderous intruder to Sheldon walking past her to the litter box.

*SIGHING SOFTLY*- "Poor me. I feel so neglected."

*SPINNING IN A CIRCLE EXCITEDLY*- "Oh man, oh man, oh MAN! Hurry UP, will you?? We got things to do and people to see!!"

*THUMPING HER TAIL*- The best indicator that she is in a good, playful mood. She has a big, fat tail so it's hard to miss! My Grandpa used to tease that she had a "beaver" tail. She and I both pretended to be offended.

*WHINING A LITTLE*- "I'm hungry. I need to pee. I want to go to bed. You're messing on the computer instead of taking me for a walk." OR, most likely: "My tennis ball is stuck under the chair."

Love and dog kisses,

Sarah and Otis

BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! 

She probably has more nicknames than everyone else I know put together! Off the top of my head...

Otis. Otis-Botus. Boat. Boat-er. Otie. Otie-Coyote. Tiss. Tissy. Miss Tiss. Tissy-wissy. Wiss.