Speaking thusly, for tonight's blog, I have chosen a subject you are (almost certainly, if you know me at all) familiar with: my dog, Otis. (Click here to see a ridiculous amount of photos of her.) I talk about her often, reference her constantly, and love her like crazy. You already know a lot about her, but tonight I want to try and explain my connection with her more deeply. To try and get you to understand just why and how she is so unbelievably important to me. A lot of it you'll already know, but please bear with me!
I met her by chance, one afternoon after a hellish day at school. I had recently attempted suicide and the whole school knew. I had just gotten back home after spending a week in a mental hospital/rehab place in Pueblo for troubled teens. I was miserable, and fighting my own brain and body, who kept telling me it would be better to die. But when my mom took me to meet this tiny puppy, my whole universe shifted! She gave me a reason to live, and taught me it was okay to love myself, too.
But that's not the end of the story! When my parents divorced, she went where I went- staying weekdays at my mom's, spending weekends at my dad's. She took me for walks anytime I needed them! And she turned into my shadow. Where I went, she went! Even something like moving from one room to another- she just follows! It's something that continues to this day. For example, as I write this, she is sleeping on my feet. She sleeps next to me in bed at night. She likes to follow me into the bathroom. Don't get me started on car rides!
But that's not the end, either. In my sophomore year of high school, the bipolarish-side of my Schizoaffective Disorder went crazy and my mania sky-rocketed, out of control. There was a period of a few months where I just didn't sleep. I couldn't. They put me on anti-psychotics and sedatives and sleeping meds, but my mind wouldn't slow down. I had to drop out of the rest of that year of school because I started to freak out. In classrooms, my mania would make my brain go crazy and my heart pound. When people did something like scrape a chair back on the hard floor, it was all I could do not to scream. I ended up in the bathroom a lot, locked in a stall, rocking back and forth, clutching my head, telling it to "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP." It was then I started getting crazy paranoia, too. Since I couldn't be in school, I stayed at home, which helped the mania because I could run and shout and do anything I needed to. But the paranoia took hold of my brain. Alone in the house, I was certain people were behind me, creeping up. Looking at me in windows. And short of sitting in a corner all day long, I couldn't keep an eye on everything. So I let Otis do that. She stayed by me day and night, and I knew she would never let anything get me. She would bark if a stranger was creeping up on me. It was a huge load off my mind. There were days I was afraid to take a shower because I didn't want to be alone and vulnerable in the bathroom when whatever it was came to get me. So Otis lay on the floor of the bathroom while I took a shower. She was my constant protector, and is til this day.
I think what makes my bond with her so strong is that she can do for me what nothing and no one else can: she can protect me from what it inside my head. I mean, I could get a home-security system and armed guards, but they couldn't do for me what she can. And on top of that, her personality helps make her who she is. As a tiny infant, that tenacious dog would NOT give in, and she's not about to let me give up, either.
I'm really not much of a poet, but I hope you'll forgive me being metaphorical here: I often think of her as a ship. (Kind of ironic I call her Oater-Boater) She saved me from drowning in shark-infested waters and she's carried me on this incredible journey ever since. Unfortunately, ships don't go forever. I know one of these days she's gonna drop me off on an island somewhere, and sail off without me. I dread this day more than anything, ever. I know she'll drop me off at a very safe place, but it's gonna take all I've got to not follow her. Luckily, I know that there could be no worse insult to her memory than to undo all of the good she's done for me, and I won't.
Some debts can never be settled. Some kindnesses can never be repaid. I will never be able to give back all that she has given me, but the thing is, I don't have to. We love each other to death, and that's all that matters.
So! Thank you for letting me go on and on about this silly old dog. I know it won't have much effect on your life, but it does me good to talk about her. All I can say to you is, if you ever get lonely, maybe... get a pet. I'm a living example of what good one animal can do.
HAPPY THURSDAY!!
Hey guess what??
I'm OFF JURY DUTY! Woo-hoo!
Sarah
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