"I've just been so busy with work!" (who isn't?)
"I have such a crazy social life!" (flat-out lie)
"I have to keep a close eye on my puppy, or else he'll chew my house apart!" (okay, that one's true)
But I miss blogging, and think it's a good mental-exercise that helps with my creative writing.
So, if you've read my blogs for a while, you will know that I have seen my fair share of doctors: psychiatrists, general practitioners, specialists, Dr. Phil DVR'd on TV, you name it! Even in one case, where I met with a cranky and surly older man (his office covered in his ex-wife's artwork) over some strange bloodwork. And that's been the case from very early on, when I first had problems with asthma and allergies. Now the dysfunction tree has branched out all over the place! Blood clots and orthodontists and Dr. House, oh my!
And because of all this experience, I have compiled the following list of tips and tricks to keep in mind when seeing your doctor! No need to thank me.. I'm happy to help.
- Let's start with the basics! My doctor here in town has told me multiple times, "Sarah, bringing ALL of your medicine bottles with you when you come to see me is like the 11th commandment, okay?" And dammit, I surely do! I pack up all my bottles into an old plastic KMart bag and head into the doctor's office, looking like an odd kid on a field trip with a very strange and specific packed lunch.
- This is pretty universally known, but BRING READING MATERIAL!! Or, these days, your smart phone with internet access and games. Yes, most doctor's offices have celebrity gossip magazines and esteemed medical journals, but the medical stuff can be dry and long winded, and the celeb magazines are usually from 18 months prior to your appointment.
- If the previous suggestion doesn't sound so appealing, I highly suggest you look for some sort of kid's-corner, which many doctor's offices have. I don't really recommend the toys, which are usually old and coated with a mysterious sticky substance, but look for coloring books! They are usually covered in angry crayon squiggles and passive-aggressive words in the margins... always interesting! Plus, the story-lines of these coloring books can be quite captivating. I remember reading one about "Prince Kroma", a very muscular young man with an army of horse-riding followers, all wearing loincloths and decorative head-gear. It was almost like the Riders of Rohan, only weird and uncomfortable.
- TOTALLY not saying this from experience, 'cause I would NEVER! but, some offices have little radios in the corner, playing soothing muzak.. and the people who work at the office usually frown upon patients trying to change the channel. Food for thought!
- Pay careful attention to waiting room decorations... they tell you more than you know! For example, I went to one doctor for a while, and he had a large aquarium. But, every time I went to see him, there were fewer and fewer fish! Until, finally, the aquarium was replaced with a couch. Looking back now, maybe it was an omen! The doc couldn't keep his fish alive, and he didn't do a great job with me, either...
- When it is time for the nurses to take your vitals, it is considered polite and helpful to just go ahead and remove any hoodie or jacket you are wearing, so they can take your blood pressure more easily. Also, it's a good idea to empty your pockets before stepping on the scale! Way back in mid-school, when I wore bondage pants every day, I once went in for a checkup and everyone was surprised by the significant amount of weight I had gained in a very short time! Well, it helped to take the two full bottles of Mountain Dew out of one huge pocket, a portable CD player out of another, and then an array of smaller items all stuffed in one pair of pants. True story!
- Once in the exam room, pawing through drawers and cabinets is frowned upon, but there is plenty to keep you busy! Why, at a recent doc visit, there was a huge chart on the wall that explained the differences of bowel movements, complete with illustrated examples, from diarrhea to constipation. Fascinating! Not to mention, there are usually some anatomical models around, like a pair of lungs with bronchitis, or a model of a swollen prostate.
- While it can seem sad that when you visit your doctor, all the nurses and secretaries know your name and ask about your family, there ARE perks! Sometimes when I get blood taken... I GET TO CUT IN THE LINE!! Shhhhh....
I promise to start writing more! It's just what the doctor ordered...
Haha! Goodnight everyone, Happy Thursday!
Sarah
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