Below are a list of medical conditions and terms that you may be unfamiliar with or even totally unaware of. Some mostly affect humans, and some are more animal based. Some are not so bad, but remember, knowledge is power!
I must specially thank Elizabeth Record for her assistance with this blog, both recalling old diseases and identifying and naming new ones.
Remember! You never know when it will happen to you...
CHINESE FOOD DELIRIUM*- Human affliction. This is one of my personal struggles. All too often, I will purge myself on delicious Wonton Soup and Eggrolls, Crab Rangoons, and a Shirley Temple or two, and suddenly I find myself in a euphoric state, giggling uncontrollably at stupid, mundane things. I've had this problem long enough that I can identify it quickly, then just let it pass. As medical problems go, it's pretty enjoyable!
Prognosis: Surround yourself with loved ones who don't care if you act like an idiot.
GASTRONOMIC REDUNDANCY- Medical practice. I am a HUGE believer in this! I originally heard it on The Big Bang Theory- from Sheldon, of course! The idea is that you avoid eating the same (or very similar) foods in succession. For example, in my case, I cannot have chicken strips for lunch, and then chicken strips for dinner. I started it to be silly but now I really stick to it! It's an OCD way of forcing variety into my life.
HAPPY DOG JOG*- Animal affliction. This is a phrase I've known my whole life! I believe it was originally coined by my mom. It's pretty self-explanatory- you'll know it when you see it! A dog gets to go for a walk and they are, in that moment, more excited about that walk than you will ever be excited about ANYTHING in your life. They leap, they bound, they trot! They growl and bark and find sticks and pee! It's pretty awesome.
Prognosis: Excellent!
HYDRO-INDUCED CELLULAR ACTIVITY*- (Super) Human affliction. I know most of us are really not Disney Channel watchers anymore, but years and years ago they put out an original Disney-Channel movie called, "The 13th Year," an exciting tail, wink ;), about a boy turning into a merman. The idea is that when you turn 13, that's when your mermaidness starts kicking in. Anyway, I tucked this nugget of wisdom away in a corner of my brain. Then! Right around age 13, my sister got this weird thing for a while when after she was in water for a long time, her hands turned kind of white and scaley. I was convinced it was the start of her mermaid transformation!! Turns out, it wasn't. Honestly, we're not sure what the hell was happening there for a while. Hormones!
Prognosis: optimistic!
MUTT-MANGE*- Dog affliction. All dogs shed, at least a little. Unfortunately, some are much more affected than others. During certain shedding seasons, some dogs are cursed with huge chunks of fluffy fur shedding off their dog-butts. It sticks to anything and everything and is almost impossible to get rid of. On the occasions you do try and brush it all out, you are surrounded by more clumps of fur than you thought possible! This is the case with my dog, Otis. I can brush her and brush her (which is a feat unto itself!) and still, clumps will keep coming! When doing this, I often wish there were Locks-of-Love organizations for dogs.
Prognosis: Bleak. Other than shaving them entirely, you're stuck!
NAKES*- Medical practice. This is actually a word of my own invention. Technically it means running around naked, but really, it's more versatile than that. I think it's more a state of mind than anything. Running around free, not caring, just living.
NIP FAIRIES*- Cat affliction. A chronic sufferer, my sister's cat, Flo, is in the photograph below, and is the story behind this diagnosis. As many cats are, Flo is a recreational user of Cat Nip. I know she tries to keep her usage under control but sometimes she can't help herself. It's a slippery slope! After a particularly hard hit of Nip, Flo sometimes sees what we call "The Nip Fairies", fantastical beings conjured by Nip use. She will chase them for hours, as they torture her with visions of moths and pigeons and all other fun, chasable things.
Prognosis: Grim. Take Nip once, there's no going back...
NOSFERATUDERMIS*- (Super) Human affliction. Ahhhhh! My most recently named and identified diagnosis! As with the other superhuman affliction, it is centered around my sister! This year she has spent a lot of time out in ACE's greenhouse, and her skin has suddenly become very, very sensitive to sunlight. Without coverage or protection, her skin breaks out in itchy, painful red bumps! More than one person has suggested it might be an odd allergic-type reaction to sunlight. This, along with the fact that lately she's had trouble sleeping at night has given rise to my conclusion- she is, in fact, one of the undead.
Well, not exactly. But I did decide she is a Nosferatuderm- a combination of Nosferatu and epidermis. You probably can't tell, but I'm really proud of the name. Honestly, even though most people won't have the kind of problems my sister has with the sun, I say we should all adopt the term! I say, make it the new sunburn! Can't tan? Nosferatuderm! Bam.
Prognosis: Children of the Night! Wear your sunscreen!
SPATTERGROIT- Witch/Wizard affliction. Muggles, relax! From the Magical World of Harry Potter! A highly contagious disease that causes huge, purple, pus-filled blisters all over the affected. Over time, the pustules are said to spread, leaving the person immobile for months! I know it's a magical disease, but honestly I think I've had some pimples that pretty nearly qualified...
Prognosis: Euuuuughhhhh....
SPONTANEOUS DENTAL HYDROPLOSION- Human affliction. From The Office! In one episode, Dwight Schrute is trying to pick an insurance plan and he demands all the workers at Dunder Mifflin write down the diseases they want coverage for. Hilarity ensues! Spontaneous Dental Hydroplosion is when a person's teeth turn to liquid and they drip down the back of the throat- invented by Pam Beesley and Jim Halpert, to confuse Dwight.
Prognosis: very good!
___-ITIS- I'm sure you are already familiar with this suffix! You can attach it to anything and make it into a disease of your very own choosing! Senior-itis, Work-itis, Asparagus-itis... The list goes on!
What disease will YOU discover?
* indicates disease was identified and named by myself, or an immediate family member.
Here's to my health and yours!
Sarah
:)
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