I Miss You

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't so dependent on other people... I wish that I could be a little braver and more capable and more self-reliant.

But I can't help it. I just need people. And when I lose people, it's really hard! Of course, there are different ways to "lose" someone, in varying degrees of permanence. 

But here is a quick list of people I'm really missing right now!

Granny!

It is actually her birthday tomorrow, and I've really been thinking about her! For the majority of my life, she lived really close! Just down the hill. And my sister and I loved to go to her house. I remember climbing in the old apple tree beside her house and hiking down the hill to the creek, where we packed picnics and played with plastic boats Granny kept in a shed. I remember sitting in her upstairs living room, reading books like "Obadiah the Bold" and playing with historically accurate paper dolls. I spent tons of time playing games like "The Sims" on her old computer and playing with her beautiful doll houses. I loved playing with her old ink pens and bottles of ink, which would stain my hands for days. I would sit at her beautiful piano and play "Chopsticks" over and over and over. And books! Books, books, books everywhere. On any subject you can think of! And she always made Emmy and I macaroni and cheese with green peas!

Now she lives out in Tulsa, OK, in a BEAUTIFUL place, and I know she loves it there. I just wish we could see her more! We've got to visit her a few times, and even though it's a totally new environment, it still feels so familiar! Still the same books and art, and still the same Granny!

Happy Birthday, Granny! We all love you.

Johnny Ray

It's tough to wrap my head around, but on June 19th, it will mark 10 years since we lost Johnny Ray. 10 years, and I think we all still miss him like crazy. Try as I might, I can't come up with a negative memory of him. He was just so positive.

I remember the first time I officially met him! I took my bass and little Hartke amp to Ben and Geoff's house to jam for the first time, and Johnny Ray had spent the night there. As I was coming inside, he was getting up and I heard a pained groaning. He had forgotten to take his contact lenses out and his eyes were all stuck together and painful! As we were formally introduced, he had his left hand over his squinted eyes and he blindly and randomly swung his right hand around til it met mine. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

To this day, I certainly cannot think of Dimebag Darrell without thinking of Johnny Ray. Way back when we started "Asunder" and well into "Dead End Philosophy," I remember all of us getting together and practicing in Ben and Geoff's back shed and in Trevor's Grandma's garage. Those guys all taught me to headbang! And he enjoyed wrapping up a good practice with Pantera's "Domination". Couldn't go wrong there!

And I will always remember the 2-person club he and I were in, "The In-Crowd". Needlessly to say, it was pretty exclusive. I remember talking to him on Instant Messenger one night and we were delighted that we were both learning Lamb of God's "Remorse is for the Dead." And practicing it together. I remember the day after I got my braces off, he poked me until I laughed so he could see my teeth. A couple times when the RHS Band had to play at football games, he enjoyed borrowing my cell phone and taking selfies with people in the crowd, way before "Selfies" became a thing!

It's painful to know we lost him so early, but I think just about everyone who knew him would agree what a positive impact he had on us!

This is by no means a great photograph, but as far as I know, this is the only picture I have of us together.

Mom

In this day and age, it's pretty easy to keep in touch, I know. Cell phones and landlines and texting and emailing and Facebook and such! And, trust me, I employ all of these techniques! But there's something so wonderful about BEING with someone. HUGGING them. Playing Scrabble and Gin Rummy with them. Playing with their dogs. Meeting their chickens(!). Just spending time with my mama! Don't you just wish you could apparate, like in Harry Potter?! Or use the Floo Network? Hell, I'd take a broomstick and fly over to West Virginia!... assuming I didn't get HOPELESSLY LOST and end up in northern Canada somewhere. 

I heard a rumor she might come out this way sometime this summer... and if she doesn't, Em and I might have to pack up the car and drive out her way! (I promise, I'd even drive a tiny bit this time!)

I LOVE YOU MOM!!

Grandpa

When I think of my Grandpa, Bud, I think of three things immediately: American Patriotism, Earl the Black Labrador, and poker. Actually, those three things, or what they represent, do a good job of explaining him! Oh, he loved his country, he ADORED his dogs and his family, and ohhhhhh, he loved a bit of mischief. He was the one who taught me how to play poker, playing and betting with REAL QUARTERS! He laughed at my shuffling and taught me how to correctly cut a deck. And I KNOW he cheated sometimes! I once caught him, literally, with cards up his sleeve. And I think he sat on a few cards too. He was an expert on bluffing, both performing it himself, and catching me.

Like my sister is, he was a total green-thumb! He spent hours and hours and hours outside in the Greenhouse watering and pruning, a gift I simply do not have.

I don't know if you, like I do, sometimes have dreams about loved ones who have died, but only realize the dream is impossible when you wake up? Well, (and I haven't shared this widely yet) I had a dream about a year after my grandpa died. It started out as a normal dream, just weird and nonsensical, but suddenly I went through a doorway in the dream, and... there he was! Standing outside. And I was totally aware that it was impossible. He just held out his arms and I ran over and hugged him for a long time, that crazy kind of hug you give someone who you haven't seen in a long, long time, or might never see again. He told me, after using an old nickname, "I love you, you be good but give them hell!" And I woke up. 

I've said on my blog before I'm not a religious person at all. And I don't believe in ghosts like they're portrayed in stories, but I do think that when people die, they leave parts of themselves behind, parts that are hard for us to comprehend. So I wonder if it was just one of those dreams, or if there could have been just a tiny bit of my real Grandpa in that dream.... one more card up his sleeve!

I know this blog was hopelessly cheesy. I'm sorry! Just had to get it out.

Have a good Father's Day this weekend!

Sarah

Write or Wrong

As I write this, I have some breaded shrimp heating in the oven. I'm going to speed-blog so I can be finished with the blog and be able to dig in!

What's on my mind, tonight, is WRITING. Today was my day off and I spent a while working on one of my writing projects. I have 4 different book ideas that I kind of touch on here and there. Actually, that's how I am when I read, too. My sister can't understand it! When I read, I switch from book to book, making a little progress on each, instead of reading and knocking out one book at a time. I think it's because different stories make you feel differently. Some feel best when you're sad, some just taste happy. And depending on my moods, I contribute to my different book ideas when I am in the best mind-set.

I am always hesitant to share a WHOLE lot about the details of plots of my writing projects... I'm not really sure why. I know it's very unlikely anyone would steal an idea! I think part of it is, I need to feel really good and confident about an idea before I share it.

But since we're all friends here, I will disclose this bit, because I think it's good for me to let go a little: of the two books I work on the most, one is about pirates, and one is about time travel.. so they couldn't be much more different! One is written in past tense, the other in present-tense. Although, they are both from the perspective of powerful women! I like stories where women kick ass. And, actually, both of my women characters have traits that are morally-ambiguous. I think it's usually funner writing about bad guys. And that is all I'm willing to disclose at this time, but it's kind of thrilling to tell you even that little bit of info.

I don't recall if I've mentioned it on this blog before, but there is an organization, "Mutual Rescue", that focuses on the true stories of people who rescue animals from shelters or bad environments, and how the animal ends up rescuing them just as much, if not more. Last year, I submitted Otis' and my story! They sent me an email stating that they could only choose four to make a video story about (and there were about 400 submissions) and though my story wasn't among the final four, it made it right to the end. So I have been emailing back and forth with a woman who works there, sharing a lot of details about our story. It seems they are writing and compiling some sort of book, and they intend to put Otie's and my story in a chapter about "grit and perseverance." Anyway, answering the questions they ask about me and Otis, I really give it my all! Otis deserves to be documented in the best, most vivid way possible. And the other day, I got an email back from the MR lady, with a thanks for my latest email, then at the end she put... "This is fantastic, Sarah. I love this insight into her -- and you're a good writer! Keep it up!"

It's a teeny, tiny little thing, but just hearing people tell me that, I feel like I'm on the right road, if that makes any sense at all. It makes me feel good.


There is a quote from the movie, "The Pagemaster," that I love very much:

"Even books have spines."

Firstly, I like it because it reminds me to be brave. But I especially love it because books feel alive to me, and when I write, my characters are as real as could be.

NOW! It's my dinner time!

Happy Wordsday Thursday, guys.

Sarah

SLEEP STUDY

So, right about 15 months ago now, I was in the hospital in Albuquerque, having been flown there by helicopter because of various blood clots in my body, most dangerous probably being the clots in my lungs. I was on constant oxygen for months. Then, I started just using oxygen while I slept at night.

For a more detailed explanation click HERE!

Anyway, I've been trying to get rid of my oxygen FOR GOOD, but my Doc thought it best to do...

THE SLEEP STUDY!!
(insert ominous music here)

So the idea behind a sleep study is (get ready for it!) to sleep while they study you. I'll let that sink in.

Well, I can't tell you why exactly, but this TERRIFIED me. Maybe it's just my pouty inner child whining "No! No! No more hospitals! I won't do it!" but, at least, I was given a little reprieve, knowing that my appointment wasn't until July 2nd.

But then! Tuesday morning I was woken up by a phone call from the Sleep People saying there had been a cancellation and I was moved up to Wednesday evening. 8:30 pm.

PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC.

Well, that pretty much messed me up all day Tuesday, even worse on Wednesday... just ask my dad, sister and coworkers.

Last time I saw my doctor and we discussed the Sleep Study, he prescribed me one sleeping pill to take with me. On the bottle was printed "MUST BE DRIVEN HOME BY SOMEONE ELSE" so my dad was drafted.

Wednesday afternoon, I put together a bag of necessities that the Sleep Lady had described over the phone: comfortable sleep wear, any pills I might need, basic toiletries, cat---

Wait! Scratch that last.

Anyway, following my orders, my dad drove me to the hospital just a bit before 8:30, entering through the emergency room. I saw some familiar faces, and that calmed me down a bit. I signed a bit of paper work and waited to be admitted. Turns out, there was another guy there for his own Sleep Study! We (and my dad) were ushered back into our own patient rooms and as soon as my pop found out when to pick me up (5:30 am!) he disappeared back home to watch the Dodgers.

My room was quite spacious! The Sleep Lady asked me when I normally went to bed. I struggled to sound responsible---while lying-- and finally just told her, "I'm a night owl... just about any time will work for me!" This worked out well because the other Sleep Study fellow's bedtime was around 9:30 or 10. So the Sleep Lady went to hook him up first!

Now, when I say "hook up", I mean it. Not oxygen and an I.V. I mean HOOKED UP! When it came to be my turn, the Sleep Lady had me sit in a chair while she affixed me to various wires. Two on my shoulders, two on my chest, two on each leg, and countless ones on my head, face, and neck.Some of the little wires went into my hair line, and I can still feel the sticky glue stuff. Sleep Lady told me the first guy was easy because he was bald. Then she strapped some velcro-strips around my rib cage, then across the top of my chest. Then that jumble of wires got all plugged into various devices.

The Sleep Lady was verrrrrrrrrry nice and friendly and we had some nice conversations! She asked me all about my hair and the necessary upkeep, and when I took my nighttime pills, she remarked, "Wow. I thought I took a lot of pills!" which led to a nice discussion about her bipolar ex-boyfriend.

No one on the phone told me to, but I had the good sense to bring a book with me! Technically, I had a television set that played crackly programs, but I just switched it off and reached for my book.

Even after taking my sleep pill, I struggled to fall asleep. I read for a while before turning off my lights and I lay there, thinking deep thoughts and counting the flashes from the smoke detector in the ceiling. There was a flash every three seconds, and every 32nd flash was longer than the others. I gently tossed and turned, trying not to come unhooked. I missed Otis lying next to me.

And then... it was 5:30! The Sleep Lady came and unhooked me and I packed up all my belongings. There was Dad, waiting for me in the ER waiting room. Once I got home, I passed back out and got a few more hours before work!

I see my doctor tomorrow and I'm sure I'll hear the results. I'm HOPING HOPING HOPING everything is hunky-dory and I can get rid of my oxygen tank... I'll let you know!

Happy Wordsday Thursday!

Sarah

Un-Adult

I am 25 years old. That's a quarter of a century! I can drink and vote and get tattooed and watch films with explicit content, if I so choose! When I was little, 25 sounded old. Like, old, old. But now that I'm here, I don't feel old at all. I feel incredibly young and immature! Just goofy at times. A lot of people I grew up with are married now, with kids, and here I am just trying to figure my own life out. I may be grown up-- older-- but I don't think that necessarily makes me an adult.

So... surprise! I have compiled yet another list! This time of immature behaviors that I can't seem to get rid of.

• I mercilessly tease and mock my animals. I can be just brutal. When my cats finish off the crunchers in their bowl and begin to yowl, I mimic their sad, helpless meows. That makes them even more distraught!.. until I feed them their Friskies Indoor Delights, and then they're perfectly fine. When Otis begins to whine because she wants something, I always say aloud, to no one in particular, in sort of a sing-song voice, "Otis is sad. Otis is crying. Otis is upset." And then she just tosses her pretty brown head and huffs. And then I just laugh and give her what she's whining for. What can I say? I'm a bad person to enjoy making fun of them.
  
• I... I drink directly out of the juice bottle from the fridge. Don't judge me! No one else living here drinks it.. why dirty a cup?
  
• Semi-recently, the redone version of "Beauty and the Beast" came out, and I bought a few of the catchy songs on iTunes. Well, I don't know how it happened exactly, but now every time the "Gaston" song comes on, I sing it to Sheldon, my cat. It really suits him! Here- here's the song. Now, every time they say "Gaston" sing "Shel-don." It's great! And it makes him so proud.
  

"As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!"

• I own (and, yes, ENJOY! Shut up!) both "The Swan Princess" and "Black Swan", which is interesting because they're based around the same story but are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum
  
• I have a vocabulary issue.. "CHECK!" It drives my sister nuts sometimes. This... incredible world is so useful, so all-purpose! It's basically an affirmative-type answer for ANYTHING! Such as:
  "Do you have your jacket?"
  "Check!"
  "I'll meet you over by the back door!"
  "Check!"
  "It's been a busy day..."
  "Check!"
  
• Up front at the store, we have a desktop calendar and I have spent HOURS staring at it, and more specifically, at the artwork on it. To me, it's one of those pictures that, the longer you look, the stranger it gets..
  

Just some major perspective and size-problems. And then weird stuff, like the van in bottom right corner of the second picture. I suppose it's supposed to be reflections of the setting sun, but it looks like the inside of the vehicle is engulfed in flames! And while it's nice to include a pregnant woman (top pic, bottom left) I think it's funny they have her car all crumpled up, and she looks so serene.

They're just weird pics. And I don't know if it's the writer in me, or just childlike boredom, but I find myself looking for stories in the picture. Trying to figure out who knows who, where they live, why. 

I'll let you know if I come to any decisions... I"ll be looking at it for another seven months!

Happy Wordsday Thursday!

Sarah

Dollars and Sense

I think we all know that our happiness is not dependent on money. Money cannot buy love or positivity... in fact, the best things in life are free! Case in point: both Otis and Mosey were absolutely free to me! But, I think we also all know that money can be fun occasionally... and it just makes life easier sometimes. Unfortunately it's just an essential part of life. Case in point: paying for my animals getting fixed, and buying my cats' favorite food, Friskies Indoor Delights. And, you know, food and gasoline and medical bills and stuff.

Anyway, as you know, I aspire to being a famous writer one day. Not just for fame and fortune, but because it's what I love. I want to tell important stories to the world. But I often wonder, if I ever achieve my goals, and I make a sizeable amount of money, how would I spend it? What will I put priority on? What will be important to me?

So! For fun! Though I am nowhere near this point now, the following list is what I imagine I would (and may one day!) spend my fortune on..

• I will buy plane tickets to West Virginia any damn time I miss my mom and want to see her!
  
• Any time I am checking out at KMart and I am given the option of donating a few dollars to a worthwhile charity, I always, always will! (I already do that at Petsmart) In fact, I will chose the maximum!
  
• I will travel to places like Finland, to see Lake Bodom, and New Zealand, to see the filming locations of the Lord of the Rings films.
  
• During Christmastime I will carry wads of cash to give away to the bell-ringing Santa Clauses.
  
• I will spoil my family rotten! I will buy my dad cool cars and a huge kitchen and I will buy my mom a castle-like chicken coop, along with a bunch of baby ducklings and a pond for them to live in. Whether she likes it or not, I will insist on dragging my sister with me, everywhere I travel, and I will pay her for her time.
  
• I want to help pay college tuition for just about everyone I know and like.
  
• I will allow myself to purchase obscene amount of perfume. And books! Especially books! I dream of one day going to Barnes&Noble and not having to pick the ones I want most from a huge stack.
  
• I will hire a housekeeper because I am the worst cleaner in recent history.
  
• Humane Society, Humane Society, Humane Society
  
• I will build Otis a full-size pool in our backyard
  
• I will give back to the scholarships that helped me out.
  
• I will see the world, with my sister! I know she has aspirations to travel, AND I am far too much of a wimp to go by myself.. not to mention I'd miss her too much
  
• I will try to meet celebrities like Paul Giamatti and Tom Hiddleston and Jason Isaacs, and knowing me, I will turn bright red and be far too shy to speak to them.
  
• This is a weird one, but I'd like to be able to help out Raton. I don't want our little town to dry up and fly away!
  
• I will no longer have to be a cashier, but I will NEVER forget what it's like to work as one.
  
• I will just be happy. WHETHER OR NOT I MAKE IT as an author. I am a lucky person with a great family, and even if I accomplish none of the above, I will still live a great life.

I put at the beginning of this blog "What will I put priority on?" 

Suffice it to say, I think my priorities will always be the same! Family and pets and love. What is important to me now, will still be important to me.

Happy Thursday!

Sarah

As If I Needed Another Hobby

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Some of the following pictures and videos might make some people a bit queasy! It's all fake and for fun, but it is realistic!

I love YouTube. I love YouTube so much. You can watch cat videos and band-interviews and news reports and supernatural occurrences and god-awful music videos and my new favorite...

SPECIAL EFFECTS MAKEUP HOW-TO VIDEOS

I will say, I have always loved watching makeup tutorial videos (the normal kind) even though I rarely wear much makeup...you see, when it comes to me getting up early and getting pretty vs. going back to bed, really it's not much of a choice for me. But! Semi-recently, I came across a NEW kind of makeup tutorial... the special effects kind!

What I mean by Special Effects (SFX) makeup is using makeup products to make fake bruises and cuts and burns and applying prosthetics. THERE IS A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE!! And I find it absolutely fascinating. Not the gory part, just the crazy, creative art to it all.

To give a little example of the videos I have been watching, here is a very basic one from probably my favorite YouTube SFX makeup teacher, Mykie from Glam&Gore. As the name of her channel implies, she does tutorials on beauty makeup AND the gross, gory stuff. She's pretty awesome and talented.

Seriously, she is amazing. I could watch (HAVE WATCHED) her videos all day.

Anyway, after watching and watching and watching these videos, I finally couldn't TAKE IT any longer! I had to try it myself.

So I went online and got some very basic SFX stuff: liquid latex, rigid collodion, scar wax, etc. and got some basic supplies like sponges and cotton balls from KMart. That, in conjunction with basic makeup I already owned, gave me a great base to start with... and I have been playing non-stop! Every time I try a new look, I send my sister pics of it right away... and now, YOU get to see some! :) Don't judge me, I am a novice.

The first one I tried was the Joker's scars from "The Dark Knight", minus the clown makeup on top. I just used the rigid collodion, which tightens and puckers the skin, making the impression of a deep scar. It peels right off, but looks pretty amazing after a few coats!

Next, I tried a burn! I just used several coats of liquid latex and some blush and eyeshadows I own. And it was (if I do say so myself) quite believable! I hoodwinked my sister and several people on Facebook:

BUT! Yes, it was quite fake... the latex peels right off!

Then I did an extreme knuckle scrape, complete with wax knuckle protruding from the hand (GNARLY!!!)

THEN! A scar-wax facial laceration! Ignore the absurd facial expression

Finally! I got in a fight with a werewolf..

Hahahahaha!! By far, the worst one because of how the latex/cotton does not blend with my skin. But like I said, I'm a beginner! Latex and cotton is a SFX basic so I'll work on it.

However, now that I am immersed in this world, I want to dig deeper! I am saving up to buy some 3rd Degree silicon (which will make my wounds much more realistic!!) and alcohol-activated paint palettes to play with... believe me, you will be seeing lots more!

And feel free to chip in financially! Haha just kidding. Sort of. ;)

By the time Halloween rolls around I will be READY TO GO!!

And no, I'm not in it to become a professional makeup artist... if I get my way, you WILL see my books in bookstores. But having a stupid side hobby can't hurt anyone!

Thank you for humoring me!

Sarah

Medical Protocol

Well, well! I have been MIA for quite a while now, haven't I? Forgive me! I have a thousand excuses, but none of them are particularly good..

"I've just been so busy with work!" (who isn't?)
"I have such a crazy social life!" (flat-out lie)
"I have to keep a close eye on my puppy, or else he'll chew my house apart!" (okay, that one's true)

But I miss blogging, and think it's a good mental-exercise that helps with my creative writing.

So, if you've read my blogs for a while, you will know that I have seen my fair share of doctors: psychiatrists, general practitioners, specialists, Dr. Phil DVR'd on TV, you name it! Even in one case, where I met with a cranky and surly older man (his office covered in his ex-wife's artwork) over some strange bloodwork. And that's been the case from very early on, when I first had problems with asthma and allergies. Now the dysfunction tree has branched out all over the place! Blood clots and orthodontists and Dr. House, oh my!

And because of all this experience, I have compiled the following list of tips and tricks to keep in mind when seeing your doctor! No need to thank me.. I'm happy to help.

• Let's start with the basics! My doctor here in town has told me multiple times, "Sarah, bringing ALL of your medicine bottles with you when you come to see me is like the 11th commandment, okay?" And dammit, I surely do! I pack up all my bottles into an old plastic KMart bag and head into the doctor's office, looking like an odd kid on a field trip with a very strange and specific packed lunch.

• This is pretty universally known, but BRING READING MATERIAL!! Or, these days, your smart phone with internet access and games. Yes, most doctor's offices have celebrity gossip magazines and esteemed medical journals, but the medical stuff can be dry and long winded, and the celeb magazines are usually from 18 months prior to your appointment.
  
• If the previous suggestion doesn't sound so appealing, I highly suggest you look for some sort of kid's-corner, which many doctor's offices have. I don't really recommend the toys, which are usually old and coated with a mysterious sticky substance, but look for coloring books! They are usually covered in angry crayon squiggles and passive-aggressive words in the margins... always interesting! Plus, the story-lines of these coloring books can be quite captivating. I remember reading one about "Prince Kroma", a very muscular young man with an army of horse-riding followers, all wearing loincloths and decorative head-gear. It was almost like the Riders of Rohan, only weird and uncomfortable.
  
  
  
  
  
• TOTALLY not saying this from experience, 'cause I would NEVER! but, some offices have little radios in the corner, playing soothing muzak.. and the people who work at the office usually frown upon patients trying to change the channel. Food for thought!
  
• Pay careful attention to waiting room decorations... they tell you more than you know! For example, I went to one doctor for a while, and he had a large aquarium. But, every time I went to see him, there were fewer and fewer fish! Until, finally, the aquarium was replaced with a couch. Looking back now, maybe it was an omen! The doc couldn't keep his fish alive, and he didn't do a great job with me, either...
  
• When it is time for the nurses to take your vitals, it is considered polite and helpful to just go ahead and remove any hoodie or jacket you are wearing, so they can take your blood pressure more easily. Also, it's a good idea to empty your pockets before stepping on the scale! Way back in mid-school, when I wore bondage pants every day, I once went in for a checkup and everyone was surprised by the significant amount of weight I had gained in a very short time! Well, it helped to take the two full bottles of Mountain Dew out of one huge pocket, a portable CD player out of another, and then an array of smaller items all stuffed in one pair of pants. True story!
  
• Once in the exam room, pawing through drawers and cabinets is frowned upon, but there is plenty to keep you busy! Why, at a recent doc visit, there was a huge chart on the wall that explained the differences of bowel movements, complete with illustrated examples, from diarrhea to constipation. Fascinating! Not to mention, there are usually some anatomical models around, like a pair of lungs with bronchitis, or a model of a swollen prostate.
  
• While it can seem sad that when you visit your doctor, all the nurses and secretaries know your name and ask about your family, there ARE perks! Sometimes when I get blood taken... I GET TO CUT IN THE LINE!! Shhhhh....

I promise to start writing more! It's just what the doctor ordered...

Haha! Goodnight everyone, Happy Thursday!

Sarah